The Journey Inside

Bangkok Dangerous: Why Thailand?

2012-02-12T21:04:00.000-04:00

Before answering, "Why Thailand?" I think it's essential that I make you aware of how large an issue human trafficking really is. It is generally very easy for me to pretend that it doesn't exist while I sit in my warm and comfy home within my suburban Charlottetown neighbourhood. It's not like PEI is grossly affected by crimes such as murders, prostitution and the like. Petty crimes and simple misbehaviours by bored teenagers account for most of the negative headlines in our newspapers... oh, and people driving into buildings (hospital, Starbucks, house)... what's up with that?

But that doesn't mean that I have to be completely ignorant to the fact greater crimes and treacheries do not exist - here and elsewhere. Friends of mine and missionaries to Włocławek, Poland, recently became more educated on this issue and shared some of their findings in a blog post entitled "People, Pornography and Price Tags." Please take a few minutes to read it. I promise it will be worth the read.

While it is difficult, if not impossible to get statistics on human trafficking, I believe it is safe to say that if we could see the numbers, they would be staggering. However, some notes that have grabbed my attention while I've been researching recently are as follows:

The average age of a female entering prostitution is around 12 years old.
In Canada, a girl can be sold for $15,000 and earn her owner over $40,000 per year.
An estimated 2.5 million people are in forced labour (including sexual exploitation) at any given time as a result of trafficking
People are reported to be trafficked from 127 countries to be exploited in 137 countries, affecting every continent and every type of economy.
Many trafficking victims have a least a middle-level education.

So, "Why Thailand?" Initially, I decided to go on this trip because it is absolutely an educational and experiential trip for myself. It is in a small group setting (there are only six of us going) and I fully trust the woman organizing the event. Plus, we will be working and learning with people who have been working in the red light district of Bangkok for over twenty years.

As time has passed and I have researched human trafficking and what it is like in Thailand, my heart is already growing compassionate and I have a longing to know on the only level I can without having experienced this life. I can imagine my life taking on a greater purpose - educating others immediately and perhaps one day detecting, preventing and/or giving after care for those who have the opportunity for a fresh start.

I believe it is a worthwhile dream and that this trip to Thailand is the beginning of many good things to come. I assume that this trip will not only be informative, but that my hands, heart and head will be forever changed.

To make this a reality, I really need your help. Without the funds to get to Thailand, it will simply remain a dream. If you can support me financially, please click the 'donate' button in the top right corner of this blog or send an email money transfer to singh.carrie@gmail.com. If you cannot give today, but can give by the end of April, please make a pledge to me and honour it when you can. No amount is too small! I am collecting bottles off the side of the road at five cents a piece, so please if you are willing to give, I would be grateful for any amount of help.

If you cannot support me financially, I am in great need of prayers for protection, wisdom and readiness as well as words of encouragement. This is the first missions trip I have ever been on and I will be away from my hubby and babies for sixteen days (if you have kids, you know what I mean)! I would be truly grateful for your prayers and kind words.

*****This post is part of a series. To see previous posts, click below:*****

~Bankok Dangerous: A Dare I Need Your Help With~

~Bangkok Dangerous: Video: Rahab Ministries~

Sources:

http://thepricepost.com/

http://www.4mycanada.ca/HumanTrafficking.html

International Labour Organization, Forced Labour Statistics Factsheet (2007)

United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, Trafficking in Persons: Global Patterns (Vienna, 2006)

International Organization for Migration, Counter-Trafficking Database, 78 Countries, 1999-2006 (1999)

Dealing With Criticism

2012-02-03T10:49:00.022-04:00

I admit that when I am criticized about something, I get defensive. Perhaps it is because I am a perfectionist. Being a people pleaser certainly can't help. All in all, I really just want to do a good job and hearing that I'm not is a tough thing for me - especially when I'm giving it my all.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being criticized at work all of the time. On my days off, through texts and phone calls, emails and facebook, I'm always getting "reminders" of what I should be doing or what I'm not doing as my boss doesn't want to approach me on the subject in the communication book at work. But, it is becoming very overwhelming.

Lately, I've been asking Hubs if I am crazy. Am I blaming my boss too much for my mistakes or is she really just a poor manager? In my defence, he of course says that I'm not the problem. Nonetheless, I've taken it upon myself to grow a little bit. There's no better way to learn how to accept and deal with criticism than when you're in the middle of it all the time!

Here are some things that I'm learning (or trying to learn) to do with the criticism I'm receiving:

Don't Take It Personally

I admit, if feels like a dagger through my heart each time I'm told that my efforts weren't good enough whenever I give everything I have in the allocated time frame. I want to know that I have done well. But in reality, I may have missed a detail or two, but that doesn't reflect who I am. It just reflects a mistake. Sometimes, I'm not going to have everything done well and I need to be able to know in my heart that I did my best even when it gets criticized.

Learn From It

Sure, I may have done my best, but I now know that my boss expects a certain things that I didn't know of before. And my newfound knowledge inspires me to spend my spare moments ensuring the the things that matter the most to her are done.

Ask Questions

I've been surprised of some of my boss's criticisms so I inquired of her the specifics she was looking for. She listed several things that she looks for. Ok, great! Now I have a mental list to check off and I can hope that she will not be frustrated about them anymore.

Ignore False Criticism

Certainly, some of the criticisms I've received are legitimate. But sometimes, the criticisms I receive are not. I have to be aware of things that are false so that I don't let it fester within my being.

Don't Defend Yourself to the Criticizer

This is where I struggle the most. I will beat a dead horse in an attempt to clear my name. I will explain, re-explain and over-explain myself in hopes that the criticizer will change his/her mind about me. Unfortunately, I just become a whiny, needy annoyance and I further frustrate (in this situation) my boss likely concluding in her mind that I am worthy of the criticism. While it is a very large pill for me to swallow, I must shut my mouth and allow the situation to resolve itself peacefully, changing what I need to change, forgiving what I need to forgive, and trusting that my name will not be devalued without just cause.

Ask Questions: Take Two

After I've changed everything and attempted to please my seemingly over-critical boss peacefully and with submission, I need to ask myself more questions. Has my attitude and behaviour change caused a decrease in her critical remarks? With all of my extra efforts, has my work environment become more positive? If not, it may be time for me to look for another job and realize that sometimes it just simply isn't worth the character beating to stay at a certain place of employment - especially a minimum wage one.

Bangkok Dangerous: Video: Rahab Ministries

2012-01-24T21:21:00.001-04:00

If you don't already know, I am planning a trip to Thailand this summer where I will experience life as a female at risk of being involved in the country's overwhelming sex industry. I will be working with Pat DeWit. The following video was made by her husband, Peter and gives some insight to their ministry there as well as what I will be involved with as I spend my time there.

But I need your help. I am in need of financial support so that I may bring this trip to fruition. If you can support me in that way, please click the 'donate' button in the top right corner or send an email money transfer to singh.carrie@gmail.com.

If you cannot support me financially, please consider supporting me with your prayers and words of encouragement. I would be truly grateful for them!

As you watch the video, may you catch the flame that is burning in my heart to go to Thailand so that I may be a voice for the voiceless.

*****This post is part of a series. To see previous posts, click below:*****

~Bankok Dangerous: A Dare I Need Your Help With

Twenty-Twelve

2012-01-23T16:59:00.003-04:00

I just want to put it out there: Twenty-eleven sucked.

By the time the year was over, I felt completely drained. Void of life and all of its pleasantries; Lacking in laughter and joy.

I recognize that I am truly blessed and that I should be thankful just to have this life at all. But honestly, starting late in 2010, I felt life sucking me dry. Perhaps it's all just a part of growing up and I just need to grow a thicker skin, but I really don't want to do that. I already struggle with developing any sort of intimate relationship as I have spent the majority of my life making friends and then moving before I had to let them see me absolutely vulnerable. While I am glad to have friends all over this country, aside from Hubby and maybe one other person, no one really knows me well enough to call me out on my crap (always a bridesmaid, never a matron-of-honour). Because of this, I tend to build a wall around myself and not let others too close. So, a thicker skin probably isn't a good idea.

The draining included learning the status of friend's marriages - some tainted, some failed, allowing a seemingly permanent gap to develop between myself and my parents, feeling the stressful need to get a job to make life less about making ends meet and more about having fun, struggling to work with a boss whose personality I naturally clash with while I would rather be at home with my kids anyway, realizing that my anxiety issues were never fully associated with postpartum and struggling to find a balanced life where I control my anxiety rather than let it control me, and finally, losing the life of an unborn baby.
But it is a new year. And in all of it, I am hopeful for Twenty-Twelve. Because hope comes from Christ. And my ways are not His ways. And His ways are for my good.

"For I know the plans, I have for you, " declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future."

Bangkok Dangerous: A Dare I Need Your Help With

2012-01-13T22:56:00.002-04:00

"Ignorance is bliss."

Sure it is.

"Ignorance is bliss" is simply an excuse that we use to live in our safe little worlds, free of responsibilities outside the four walls of our home. It is a justification for all the time we waste with meaningless tasks while people all around us need our help and our love.

I have been blessed with the fantastic opportunity to go to Thailand for two weeks this July with an organization called Tattered Tiaras. I am going to participate in a missions trip that is going to rock my world. Actually, I wouldn't necessarily call it a missions trip, but rather an educational and experiential trip as I will be living my life for two weeks just as an at-risk girl in Bangkok would. The experience will be as authentic as possible, yet very safe. What I will be doing, I do not yet know, but I do know that I am going with the desire to have my eyes opened and the hope that my experience will challenge me to change the world around me.

I'm tired of living in my safe little bubble. I'm nearing 30 years-old and I have always wanted to be someone that makes a difference in the lives of others. And I really believe that I can. I believe that I was meant to live for so much more than I am currently living for.

My heart yearns to see girls and women be powerhouses of wise and inspirational influence. I want to see them take their life circumstances - no matter how wonderful or how terrible - and use it to help others rather than wallow in their own glory or self pity.

But I really do need a wake up call. I live a very self-centered life and I am completely unaware of how other women live. I believe that I take for granted that a woman can just step up and change her circumstances by choice. In reality, there are many women all over the world that simply cannot do this without help. And I want to be that help.

I am accepting the dare in hopes that this trip to Thailand, and this "Bangkok Dangerous" experience, will give me an insider's look at the women in Bangkok so that I can in turn tell their stories to others and maybe, just maybe, together we can begin to help make changes - even if it is simply in our own minds for now. I believe awareness and understanding can change the world.
And here's where I need your help. These kinds of trips obviously cost some pretty pennies. In fact, this trip is going to cost 400,000 of them. Yup, that's $4000. If you would like to support me in this endeavour, you can click the 'donate' button in the top right corner, send an email money transfer to singh.carrie@gmail.com, say a prayer on my behalf or write an encouraging message to me. I would appreciate any and all of these things.
My plan is to write a blurb each week in this Bangkok Dangerous series to tell you a little something about the place I am going while I learn about it. As you read, please remember me and please be generous.
Because understanding and awareness is bliss.

The Other Side of The Kettle

2012-01-10T15:03:00.000-04:00

I had the opportunity to sit for two hours by the Salvation Army kettle in the Wal-Mart entrance over the Christmas holidays. It was a strange sort of experience. Physically, I was surprised at how it wore on me: The cold air coming in from the exit doors, my little girl constantly seeking my attention, and worst of all, the rapidly moving flow of human traffic a mere foot away from my seat that caused waves of nausea as I attempted to look each individual in the eye, smile and say "hello" or "Merry Christmas!"

Now, I'm not foolish enough to think that everyone will want to donate to the kettle or even that they should. Despite carts loaded with gifts and goodies, I am well aware that some of these individuals are struggling with their family commitments and they may already be in over their heads. Others may not have a very generous heart. That's ok. I wasn't sitting there to assess life circumstances or matters of the heart. I was there to help out my Salvation Army friends during a busy season. To thank people for their thoughtfulness and generosity. To answer questions. To spread a little Christmas joy. To make sure no one ran away with the kettle!

Mostly, my experience was a good one. Save a few people, I was greeted with friendly smiles and warm words in return. A couple people said that they didn't have any money on them. Others explained that they had given earlier in the season. Their awkwardness made me feel a little awkward as I assured them that all was well.

But it was the few people who pretended that I wasn't even there that bothered me. They made me feel like a thief that would force them to hand over their remaining pennies if they made eye contact with me. I'm positive that the reason this bothered me so much was because I have been guilty of doing the exact same thing. It is as though I'm afraid that the person standing by the kettle will judge me for not giving so I pretend that I don't see them in hopes that they'll think I was just distracted. I'm aware that it is a ridiculous thought now that I've been on the other side of the kettle.

So, I now plan to smile and say hello, maybe even start up a little conversation with the kettle volunteers (or any goodwill volunteer for that matter) - without excuse if I'm not giving, without pressure if I can't give and with happiness if I can give. Because they're just people who gave a little bit of their time to do a good thing and it's not fair to them if I ignore their existence. Because maybe a smile and a kind word will make them feel appreciated for giving their time and make them want to do it again.

Single Parenting Sucks

2011-12-02T10:05:00.002-04:00

Hubs is away on yet another meeting related trip and although it's only been one night... I'm exhausted. Allow me to share with you some of yesterday's happenings.

I generally babysit a one year old and a two year old on Thursdays, but the two year old was sick, so it was just Stinker, Monkey, the one year old girl, and myself setting out to make the day a fun one (Goose was in school). It would be a longer babysitting day than usual, ending at 5:30 instead of 3:30 and adding a set of triplets at 3:00.

Just like any other day, I simply did my best to keep on top of the dishes and such while playing with the kids or setting them up with an activity they can do on their own. Our dryer completely broke down last week and we replaced it a few days ago, so I was still in the process of catching up on the laundry. I washed six loads of laundry, dried five, and folded three. My laundry room is almost functional again.

Preparing snacks and meals generally happens almost every two hours. At first it was exhausting to always be making food and cleaning up afterwards, but like the never-ending laundry, I've come to accept it as a necessary evil of my day.

So, now for the nitty gritty. During lunch, I had the two babies in their booster seats and was about to place cups of milk and plates of food in front of them when Stinker had called me to "come check this out" through the front window. There were a couple pieces of paper - flyers to be exact - dancing with our lilac tree. Thinking it was odd, I went to check through the side door if a garbage can had been knocked over or something. Instead, I found a sheepish looking dog chewing on another section of the flyer. Around her, I noticed a couple of shreds of paper. Slowly, almost like a video camera capturing the the scene in slow motion, my eyes moved from Brin and her chewed trophy to the chaos that was awaiting me. An entire bundle of flyers had been broken open and carried by the wind throughout our backyard and well into the yards of our three adjoining neighbours. I'm certain my jaw must have dropped before I resigned myself to cleaning up the four yards. Reentering the house, one of the babies was throwing food on the floor and screaming for her lunch. Leaving the babies food-less and in their booster seats as I thought this would be the safest place for them, I threw on my coat an shoes and headed outside to clean up the mess. I started to pick up the flyers, thinking that this must be a late Halloween trick. They were everywhere; puddles, dog poop, neighbouring flowerbeds, bushes, decks. How embarrassing. I was certain that anyone who was home was watching and laughing at my misfortune. Three trips outside and the mess was mostly cleaned up. I was left with a flyer that I couldn't reach, tiny shreds of paper that Brin had chewed up, cold hands, a cranky baby who didn't understand why I left her in the booster seat while I headed outside, and a Stinker who thought this was the coolest thing in the world as she searched for more flyers through the windows. I left the flyers on the counter to deal with later - twenty hours later, they're still waiting for me.

Ok, no biggie. Moving on. I tried to get the three kids down for a nap at the same time so I could sit for a few minutes and refresh my energy. Twenty minutes later, the nap was over and I picked up where I left off - dishes, laundry, diapers, playing.

I decided to clean the bathroom and found the babies quite enjoyed this event. They just stood by the edge of the tub and watched me scrub, laughing as though it was the best thing ever. I made the mistake of giving them both a cloth to play with which they threw into the water-and-cleaning-solution-filled tub almost immediately. This sparked a new idea and before I could get off the tub's ledge, the two little ones were tossing the laundry from the basket into the tub. At least it was dirty laundry. It was inspiration to wash another load...

At three, I felt the chaos begin. The babies were exhausted from not napping well. The triplets arrived. Goose came home from school. Goose's friend popped over to play. Let me break this down for you. Eight children age six and under, six of them boys between the ages of four and six. Swords, lightsabers, cars, robots, superheros, transformers, helmets, masks, vocal fighting cues. The entire house became a battle zone.

Generally, by 4:30, Hubs comes home and helps clean up while I make supper. Well, Hubs wasn't coming home last night and as I started to make a supper of Kraft Dinner and scrambled cheesy eggs, one parent arrived to pick up her daughter. Miraculously, this little girl actually slept for 45 minutes with the war zone going on around her and had somewhat of a rest by the time her mom arrived. When they left, I checked on the food. Shoot. Overcooked noodles. I don't like KD as it is, but overcooked KD is even worse. But the eggs were still good. I had made two boxes of KD since we had so many extra kids in the house, but when it was ready, the triplets informed me that they weren't going to eat at my house because they had KD for lunch and they didn't want it again. Great. Now I have a whole box of overcooked KD that I have to store in the fridge to be eaten later.

By 5:30, all the kids had gone home and I started to run a bath for my smelly children. Monkey was first. I had attempted to give him a haircut (could be better, but it could be worse too!) just before the bath and he was covered in hair and freezie juice from trying to distract him while I cut his hair, so he needed a bath all by himself. While he enjoyed the splashing at first, he screamed through most of the cleaning process. Pulling him out and drying him off, I cleaned out the tub for the second time that day as an attempt to rid it of the mass of inch long hairs.

Stinker was next. This is the time where I usually call Hubs to come get Monkey dressed, but since he wasn't here, I left Monkey in his nudie-pants for a few minutes. He was standing by the tub with me - and grunting. Unfortunately, it took me too long to recognize his grunting. When I finally clued in, I looked behind him and sure enough, a turd was hanging to his knees. I could tell it was about to fall and I looked toward the roll of toilet paper and mere two-and-a-half feet away. Then back to the turd. Then the t.p. Then the turd. There wasn't enough time. So, like any mother-in-a-bind would do, I caught the turd in my hand. Goose and Stinker were hollering, "Ew!" and "Look!" like Monkey and I were putting on a crazy sideshow. Throwing the turd in the toilet and washing my hands, Goose called out to me, "Mom! There's more!" Drying my hands as fast as I could, I grabbed the t.p. and turned around to catch the second one. Too late. It was on the floor. There was a pee puddle this time too. Then without warning, Monkey threw himself onto his bum, creating a smushy poop smear on the floor. He popped back up and I attempted to wipe the floor so that he wouldn't step in it. Then he threw himself onto his bum again, this time landing on my slipper. It was my turn to holler. "Ew!" I know better. Always clean up the source first! Then the mess! I think I'll ask for new slippers this Christmas.

Finally, all the baths were done and by 7:30, I had stories read and all the kiddos in bed. Thank God, they were asleep by 7:45. I walked past the supper-messy kitchen to go downstairs and clean up the toys from the boy-time playdate that afternoon, I found much more than I bargained for. Every toy was out of the toy box. The giant frog full of stuffed animals had been emptied out and used as a hiding place. The toy drawers had been pulled out and dumped onto the floor. The cushions had been removed from the couch and used to create a fort. I went upstairs to boil the kettle and then headed back down to start cleaning up.

From there I went on to clean the kitchen from supper. By the time I was done it was ten o'clock and I was pooped. I picked up my now twice nuked, lukewarm tea and headed upstairs to get ready for bed. Going to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I discovered that Monkey had thrown all of the clothes from that day into the tub - again - and that the whole room was in desperate need of being cleaned up. Picking up my toothbrush, I decided to close my eyes to it all and went to bed instead, only to be joined by Stinker on one side, Goose on the other and Brin at my feet before three am.

This morning, after breakfast I felt like nothing had been accomplished as the dishwasher needs unloading and re-loading, the bathroom is still a mess, the flyers and still sitting on the counter, two more loads of laundry have been washed, one is drying and three loads are still waiting for me to fold. And I recognize that if Hubs were home, I would could have done a little more, a little faster and have a little time to breathe.

I conclude, single parenting sucks.

Two Songs

2011-11-28T19:32:00.000-04:00

1. "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon - Hubs and I have had several 'songs' throughout our relationship. He wrote me one when he proposed and he wrote another for our wedding day. "I Could Not Ask for More" by Edwin McCain and "Every Time I Close My Eyes" by Babyface are ones that are sentimental to us too. But "Use Somebody" is my favourite. My brother and sister-in-law (extremely talented wedding photographers known as Abby Photography) did a Glamorous Gown/Trash the Dress photo shoot with us for our fifth wedding anniversary and made a video with "Use Somebody" in the background. I think that may have been the event that made the song my favorite. There's just so much goodness in my life.

2. "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey - When I left home for university, this is the song that made my heart feel at home as I imagined my mama singing it out and dancing with me in the kitchen. While spending those days longing to be home, yet living the beginning of my new life many miles away, this song definitely has many feel good moments for me.

~This post is part of a series. The previous posts can be found here:

Ten Secrets ~

Three Films

2011-11-15T09:45:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't say that I'm much of a movie watcher, but here are the three that I like:

1. Shrek - all four of them. I love these movies and am always trying to convince my kids that they love enough to watch them every family night. I love the characters and the humour.

2. The Proposal - the first time I saw it I thought it was hilarious. My good friend Tasha got it for me and another good friend, Sherri comes over basically every month to watch it. And I still laugh every time I watch it.

3. The Shawshank Redemption - it's not a movie that I would watch monthly, but I love the story because it shows how one can hope and be redeemed despite his or her situation. And I like that. Plus, I was totally shocked the first time I watched it and saw the conclusion!

~This post is part of a series. The previous posts can be found here:

Ten Secrets ~

A Mindset of Poverty

2011-11-14T13:23:00.000-04:00

You asked me for change, but I only had plastic.

You asked me to sponsor, but I already sponsor somewhere else.

You make less money than you require to pay your monthly bills, but I can't offer you a job.

You lack the means to provide healthy meals for your kids, but I have my own family to feed.

You're behind on your monthly payments, but I make less money than you do.

Your house is freezing in the winter, but I have RRSP's to add to.

You're going overseas to help others, but I have Christmas to pay for.

You have needs, but I have needs.

I need my trips to Starbucks and Tim Horton's despite the coffeemaker in my kitchen.

I need new kitchen gadgets to put in my already overflowing kitchen gadget drawer.

I need new clothes since a new season has arrived.

I need to eat meals at restaurants because I don't have time to cook.

I need new shoes since my skinny jeans look funny with my runners.

I need to go shopping because I haven't bought anything new in a few weeks.

I need to buy the kids new toys although they don't play with the ones they already have.

I look at my needs, and He tells me otherwise.

"Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own." (Luke 12:15, NLT)

"A person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God." (Luke 12:21, NLT)

"Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully." (2 Corinthians 9:6, ESV)

"One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want." (Proverbs 11:24, ESV)

"Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor." (Proverbs 22:9, ESV)

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress." (James 1:27, NLT)

I've been fooled. I've acquired a mindset of poverty as I chase after the American dream. I've believed that I can't give because I need everything that I have even though I can see that there are others that need it more. Satan is laughing at me as I've wasted much time. But, no more.

When He says "Give", I will give although it may not make sense in my budget.

When He says "Give", I will give although I may have to sacrifice something that I wanted.

When He says "Give", I will give although I may worry about having no milk or bread for a few days.

When He says "Give more", I will give more and trust that he will bless me by showing me the fruits of my giving.

When He says "Give more", I will give more with a smile and a trust that He will take care of mine.

When He says "Give more", I will give more than I think I have to give.

I will give.

Are You Googling Me? Third Time's a Charm

2011-11-07T09:37:00.000-04:00

Yup. I still check out what people are looking for when they come across my blog. I still get hits from searches for my name or the name of this blog, but most of my hits come from searches that I'm sure don't satisfy the one who was doing the searching!

Here are some of the more recent searches that stood out to me (quoted exactly as I saw them):

hurtful sad depression
tidy happy home
marriage domination
all about self pleasuring
topless sexy women for my new package (Wha???)
naked big breast teen women porn picture
naked wives
sexy ladies with big boobs and naked
definition of sexiness

And my two favs this time:

how to look for sexy women?

and

examples of seductive looks in bed

Sometimes I wish I could see the looks on the faces of the people doing the searches if they knew that I could see what they were searching for. Then again, I think I'd be the embarrassed one!

The previous "Are You Googling Me?" posts are found here:

Are You Googling Me? Take Two.

Are You Googling Me?

The Great Purge

2011-11-01T21:50:00.002-03:00

Sometimes it shocks me when I sit down to blog and I see the date of the prior post. Time seriously just flies by these days and I cannot believe how little time I have to write. Hopefully, my near future will change that.

I've found myself recently struggling with intense anxiety and I know it's because I have too much on my plate to do anything well. So, I've made some changes. I like to call it my great purge.

At work, I will be going from part time to casual and I feel so relieved about this. I've spent the last six months moving from one thing to another without really being able to embrace the full scope of emotion and experience anywhere! It seems so silly to me that I have been sacrificing time with my family and friends for a part time, minimum wage job. I guess that I just see other women with children being able to work and figure out everything at home too so I feel that I should be able to do the same. But I can't. Not at this point anyway. And that's ok because there is no wisdom in spreading myself so thin and missing out on my kids. I know that I will forever regret it if I don't throw everything else away and just play with them.

At home, I've started to organize everything. I mean everything! Hubs is a fantastic husband and he really does a great job at helping out with the kids and with the housework, but as I've mentioned before, we have different ideas of clean. He is a most fantastic tidy-upper kind of guy and if I want to impress him when he comes home from work, all I have to do is pick up the stuff off of the floor and clear the counters. But, even though he will always do those things, I know - I know - that the floors still need a really good mopping and the closets are a disaster. There are kitchen utensils in the toy areas, clothes lost under beds and couches, and containers with aging food hidden amongst the reusable shopping bags from previous outings. The kids clothes need to be sorted through and sized. The movies need to find their matching cases. The fridge needs to be cleared off. Toys need to be given away. Papers need to be filed. Garbage is probably hiding in many corners of my house and I can't wait to find it and get rid of it!

To top everything off, I've gained back 8 of the 34lbs that I lost earlier this year. I eat late a night when I get home from work. I haven't had the time to flyer shop or plan menus which causes too many meals on the fly that are lacking nutritional value. I haven't even had time to exercise. I might get a run and a walk into my week, but for someone who works at a gym, I just haven't been getting the exercise I need. And now that Halloween is over and I've had my great binge, I'll be having a great purge (I hope) in re-losing those 8lbs and maintaining it over the winter.

To be honest, I feel so good right now. I've been struggling to keep up for so many months and the thought of quitting anything made me feel like a failure. But I'm not a failure. I'm a mom. And a wife. And a person who struggles with anxiety issues. I'm making choices that are going to make my family better. And make me better too.

Windex Wednesdays

2011-10-20T10:37:00.001-03:00

Yesterday was Windex Wednesday. Yes, it is just as it sounds; it's the day I grab my Windex bottle and a roll of paper towels and I walk around the house, attacking windows, mirrors and faucets as if this time I will actually conquer the grime that accumulates on their surfaces. It feels so rewarding as I do it. It takes minimal effort as I replace fingerprints and grime with shimmer and gleam.

Yet, there are often times when I wonder why I even bother with the task. Within a day or two, it appears as though I haven't done the chore in months anyway. Once in awhile, I have gained the interest of a child or two as I'm going about my business and in their willingness to 'help', the object of my cleaning affection never truly shines at all despite my grandest efforts.

And today, as I brush my teeth and stare at the new beginnings of toothpaste splatter and globs along the faucet and in the sink, my efforts and lack of progress hit me in a deeper, more frustrating way than ever.

You see, it feels as though my entire life - every small effort, every grand effort - is in vain. I work and the money disappears into thin air. I budget and balance in an attempt to get my family out of debt and the price of groceries and gas goes up, squandering any remaining bits that could potentially go on our debt load or my children and husband desire the look and feeling of new socks and shirts although the ones they have would suffice for the time being. I clean, turn my back, and the new dust settles on the very spot I've cleaned. I educate myself and learn that my new education will not give me the pay raise I hoped for. I miss the renewal for my credentials because I am too busy and feel that our money is better spent elsewhere. I spend time reading the Bible and praying to God and I feel that our relationship is at a standstill. I feel as though I scrimp, I save, I sacrifice and in the end, I'm no further ahead than when I started.

In fact, I'm further behind.

I feel empty and exhausted, unable to give fully to anything I put my hands to. And while I try to have a pure heart - a gracious, loving, forgiving, kind heart - in all that I do, I end up feeling ungracious and resentful, taken advantage of and well, pitiful. No matter how hard I work to clean away the spots, prints and dirt, something else happens and new ones take their place.

But still, I know that next Wednesday I will pick up my Windex bottle and my roll of paper towels and begin to wipe away the spots again - a task without promise, a task without definite results - and I wonder how to change this mundane task so that it becomes more worthwhile.

Daily.

I could clean the spots daily and maybe then I'd enjoy clean mirrors and windows and faucets. Maybe then I'd enjoy a pure heart.

But there'd still be fingerprints. There'd still be dirt.

There'd still be challenges and emotions that I struggle to deal with.

And somehow, I thought there'd be a glorious conclusion as I wrote today. Maybe a sense of peace, a decision made that would lighten my load or help me to accept my current stage of life. But, instead, I'll post, go about my day and still feel the same way. I guess that's just the way it happens sometimes.

Four Books

2011-10-14T09:31:00.004-03:00

1. 'Redeeming Love' by Francine Rivers - It's a story about a man that marries a prostitute. She continuously leaves him to return to her old life and he repeatedly goes to get her, brings her home and keeps on loving her. I received this book from an ex-boyfriend's parents after we broke up. At first, I was slightly offended because I thought they were giving me the book to say that I would one day end up back with their son (which in retrospect was far from true. They were just being kind). I took the book and, although I was irritated about it, I couldn't put it down when I started to read it. It's written as a parallel to God's love for us and how he keeps coming to us and bringing us back to him when we reject him over and over again. I read it every year.

Oh, and as for the boyfriend, I couldn't be happier for him as he has found a beautiful wife that truly loves him.

2. 'Room' by Emma Donoghue - It's a book that I am currently waiting to receive from Amazon as it is the first book in a book club that I have joined. I am very excited about the club and even more excited to broaden my preferences in fictional literature.

3. 'Confessions of a Shopaholic' by Sophie Kinsella - It's the first book I ever read that wasn't a Christian romance novel or an assignment for school. It is plastered with inappropriate language and I was stressed out the entire time I read it because the main character makes many terrible choices and causes herself to fall into deeper and deeper holes as the book goes on. As a pretty cautious and conservative person, I truthfully had heart palpitations while reading the book! But again, I couldn't put it down and I now own all but one of Sophie Kinsella's books (I don't have 'Shopaholic and Sister' if anyone out there has a copy they want to get rid of!) thanks to Value Village and random book sales. They almost always stress me out, but they are hilarious and I kind of like the drama in them. Other books by Kinsella that are great are 'Remember Me?', 'Can You Keep a Secret?' and 'The Undomesticated Goddess'.

4. The Bible - it's the one book I need to read and it's the one book that I always have an excuse not to read. I'm still not sure why I'm continuously in this read it/avoid it struggle. Every time I read it, there is something amazing in it, but yet I still make excuses. Maybe I just take it for granted - like it will always be there or something. I don't have to return it to the library. I have multiple copies in various versions. It's always sitting on my bedside table. If we lived somewhere where it was forbidden I might take better advantage of it instead of always saying that I'll read it tomorrow. I'm going to work on this. I'm going to make it more of a priority.

What?

I am.

I'll start ~~tomorrow~~ today.

~This post is part of a series. The previous posts can be found here:

Ten Secrets ~

Five Foods

2011-10-13T11:06:00.002-03:00

1. HONEY HAM! Why is it so gosh-darn good?! I love it... especially with scalloped potatoes and corn. Seriously, if I only had one meal left, this would be my first choice.

2. Chocolate. Chocolate and I have a love-hate relationship. I love the way it tastes, but it never satisfies me like I think it's going to and then I'm always ticked off that I ate all four of those chocolate bars...

3. Ice cream. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't say no to ice cream.

4. Butter chicken curry. Melt in your mouth, full of flavour kind of goodness. Or even a green thai curry... oooo... yummmm...

5. Mango salad from Sai's Thai restaurant downtown. Mango and carrot and green onion and cherry tomatoes and raw peanuts all smothered in a spicy vinegarette kind of sauce. The sweetness of the mango mixed with the spicy of the sauce is perfect.

...

6. (Because really, I can't have just five foods.... sheesh!) Coconut. It's perfect. I'll eat it sweetened or unsweetened, as a milk or as a water, in a drink or on a food. Just think about it! Coconut shrimp, coconut cream pie, coconut in trail mix, pina colada's, macaroons.... It's just so stinking delicious!

~This post is part of a series. The previous posts can be found here:

Ten Secrets ~

Six Places

2011-10-11T20:28:00.003-03:00

1. Murray River, PEI - It's where I went to church as a kid. It's where I accepted Jesus as my Saviour. It's where I had my first cat fight. It's where my first boyfriend asked me 'out' and later where he dumped me. It's where I entertained little kids on the bleachers while their older siblings practiced at the hockey arena. It's a place that's dear to my heart.

2. Golgatha at the time of Jesus' crucifixion - If I could, I would go back in time to this place. Not for it's gory experience, but for the understanding of my heart. Would I have believed that he was the Son of God? Would I have mocked and joined in with the mockery they made of his life? I can't help but wonder what this experience would have done to my heart. And moreso, I'd like to follow Jesus around for the full thirty-three years of his life. If I saw him, heard him, knew him, would I be a different person?

3. Wherever my parents were in 1982 - I would love to be able to see what my parents were like before I was born. I'd love to see how they treated each other, to watch them participate in activities they enjoyed, to see how they responded to strangers and friends. What were they like!?

4. The Gorsky residence/The Graham's farm - the locations of delightful Thanksgiving and Christmas feasts as well as random and not-so-random parties. These are places where I feel at home even though I have no right to feel at home there. I miss these places very much.

5. Kelowna, BC - It's where my brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece/nephew-to-be live and it's the place that will suck dry all the financial reserves we have for visiting any other place in the world because they are there. And I'm ok with that.

6. Ireland - It's the one place that Hubs repeatedly states he is going to take me someday. We'll see...

~This post is part of a series. The previous posts can be found here:

Seven Wants

Eight Fears

Nine Loves

Ten Secrets ~

Seven Wants

2011-10-07T15:20:00.003-03:00

1. I want to be a good mom. I want to take the time to laugh and play with my kids even when there are dirty dishes in the sink. I want to listen to them even when it's bedtime and I'm so exhausted that I'm not sure if my ears work anymore. I want to teach them independence and show them grace. I want them to know that I'm always there for them and that nothing they say or do could make me love them less.

2. I want to be debt free! Can you imagine what life would be like if there were no credit card bills, car payments, student loans or mortgages to pay? How freeing would that be?

3. I want to be generous and gracious. I'm not really either of these although I know how to make it appear that way. I plan on elaborating on this one in another post sometime soon. Stay tuned...

4. I want to have a smokin' hot body without doing any of the work. Ha! There's my vanity piece for the day.

5. I want to make a difference somehow. Be it at Curves as an inspiration to lose weight and be healthy or at Tattered Tiaras by empowering young girls to take responsibility in their lives and assisting them in overcoming their insecurities or in this blog as I put my heart and soul into words in the hopes that someone, somewhere will know that they're not alone. I just want to make a difference.

6. I want to know Jesus. I mean really know him. It's too easy to say that I'm a Christian without really giving him any priority in my life. I don't want to just be a good person. I want to have faith and a relationship with God that is deeper than anything else in my life.

7. I want to be a good wife. I want Hubs to know without any doubt that he is my one and only. I want to choose him every day of our lives together. I want to grow old with him and look back on the past through rose-colored glasses because I love him. Period.

~This post is part of a series. The previous posts can be found here:

Eight Fears

Nine Loves

Ten Secrets ~

Eight Fears

2011-10-03T23:21:00.002-03:00

1. I am afraid of failure. In fact, this is likely the largest and most frustrating thing in my life. I simply do not do the things I'd like to do because I'm afraid that I will fail in my attempt and then have to face the cold, hard embarrassment of it all. I should really get over this.

2. I am afraid that my kids will get hurt in a way that I can't fix. I'm literally terrified that someone in this world will want to hurt my babies. That someone will take advantage of them and that they will wonder why their mommy didn't stop it from happening. Oh, God, please protect these little ones.

3. I am afraid of horses, water and the dark. Horses are huge, unpredictable and I feel like they can peer into my soul. I'm ok in the water as long as my feet can touch the bottom, but I'm not a very good swimmer, so I prefer to keep myself on dry land. As for the dark, well, I can't see anything! That's pretty darn intimidating! (When I think about it, all three of these things are unpredictable, so maybe I'm afraid of unpredictability...)

4. I am afraid of intimacy. Sure, I bare my heart and soul in this blog, but in reality, if we were to talk one on one, I would still tell you the details of my life, but I might hide some or all of my emotion regarding those details. Why? Because I'm afraid to trust you. Yup, it's true. I'm afraid that you'll want to take advantage of me or that you'll laugh at me or belittle the way I feel. I'm afraid that you'll tell me things that you don't mean in order to know the nitty gritty of my life and then judge me for it.

5. I'm afraid of letting God down. I don't mean that I'm afraid that he will shun me for not living up to a certain standard, but I'm afraid that he has more for me than I've been willing to be available for and that one day, I'm going to regret it.

6. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm a bit of a loud, obnoxious, opinionated person and when you see my true colors, I worry that you won't like who you see. What's worse is when you call me out on being loud and feisty. Then I'm convinced that you think I'm some terrible person that isn't even worthy of your time. (I have a flare for the dramatic, don't I?)

7. I'm afraid of the depression returning. It was such a low place in my life that I never want to be there again. Whenever anxiety and sadness come my way, my insides start to panic as I worry that 'it' is coming back to take over everything I am. It's so daunting.

8. I'm afraid of debt. Seriously. I hate being in the red. I hate not being able to pay for things up front and falling behind on the bills. And even though I try so hard to make sure my family isn't in debt, I'm afraid that the rest of the world's ridiculous spending is going to leave us in a terrible financial state anyway.

~This post is part of a series. The previous posts can be found here:

Nine Loves

Ten Secrets ~

Forgiven

2011-10-01T21:23:00.000-03:00

It's the tear that falls from your eye when you regret what you've done.

It's the words that get stuck in your throat and refuse to come out.

It's the pain in your heart at the loss of love.

It's the fear of never having a relationship restored.

It's the guilt of believing that you're to blame.

It's the tear that falls from your eye when you receive what He's done.

It's the words that get stuck in your throat and refuse to come out.

It's the peace in your heart at the discovery of love.

It's the joy of having a relationship restored.

It's the hope of believing that you're forgiven.

Nine Loves

2011-09-29T14:36:00.004-03:00

1. I love my marriage. We've been through so much and we still have days where I will wonder if it's really worth the effort, but I always come to the same conclusion. It is worth it. He is worth it. I have never loved another human being or been loved by another human being in such gracious and powerful ways. We have fun together. We cry together. We build together. We break down together. If given the opportunity to go back in time, I would always choose him.

2. I love my kids. They add an element to life that I can't imagine not having. They make me laugh. They help me grow. They teach me what matters and what doesn't. No wonder I want to have more!

3. I love ice cream. I can't help it. The only time I've ever said no to ice cream was when I was in the weight loss challenge earlier this year. I never plan on saying no ever again.

4. I love creating things. I'm not overly creative myself, but I can see almost anything and duplicate it. And that is something that I really enjoy!

5. I love order. I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to a lot of things and having an order to everything helps me accomplish my daily tasks. The kids' toys have designated buckets. The closets have a place for everything. Even the storage room is labelled and set up in 'compartments'. We have snack times, meal times, and times for certain kinds of play. When things fall out of the order I've set up, I will pull everything apart in an attempt to return it to its original state. It drives Hubs crazy.

6. I love social time. I enjoy being around others. We can be playing games, talking about life, doing a Bible study, eating, or anything! I just love the social aspect of life.

7. I love getting lost in a book. I watch my fair share of movies, but there's something about reading the written story that I love. I start a book and I spend every spare moment I have reading it. I absorb the storyline and feel like I know the characters personally. And in reality, the book is always better than the movie.

8. I love running. There is something about packing all of my stress on my shoulders and then throwing it all away while I'm running and singing and praying. I always come home feeling a thousand times better than I did when I left.

9. I love Jesus. Without him in my life, everything that I love would mean less. He has given me so much to be thankful for, so much to live for, so much to love. And I love him for it.

~This post is part of a series. The previous posts can be found here:

Ten Secrets ~

Ten Secrets

2011-09-28T10:38:00.006-03:00

1. I'm a binge eater. I can eat a whole days worth of calories in ten minutes and then I get frustrated with myself and spend the next week counting calories to make up the difference.

2. I have a love/hate relationship with my job at Curves. I love the fitness environment and I love being around many different women every time I work, but I struggle with staying at a job that doesn't pay me what I'm worth while my kids are at home without me.

3. I've always wanted to be 'Daddy's little girl', but I guess we're just too much alike to be able to have that kind of relationship.

4. I second guess everything I do. This is probably because I'm such a people pleaser that I base my decisions on what people say/think. Since individual views differ, I change my mind all of the time.

5. Hubs and I are talking about having a fourth baby. We've also applied to be a foster family and are talking about adoption.

6. I am intensely drawn toward strong, successful women. They motivate and inspire me. Some women that do this for me? Kelly Ripa, Beyonce, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lopez and Oprah.

7. As much as I value purity before marriage, there have been several occasions in my life when I have wished that I had the boldness to kiss a guy I really liked and regretted not doing so. I know, I know. This isn't such a great example to follow...

8. I don't take criticism very well. I know that I need it sometimes, but I end up taking everything personally and have little pity parties for myself all the time. It's so annoying.

9. I long to know the Bible inside out. The problem is that I only read it about once a week.

10. The first thing I look at on a woman when I'm watching TV is her breasts. It's weird. I know.

Are You Googling Me? Take Two.

2011-09-26T16:35:00.000-03:00

It's that time again... I just had to check my stats to see where my traffic was coming from. You got it, when you google something and hit my blog because of it, I can see what you googled. Don't be too intimidated. It's not like your name is attached to the search...
Here are the most recent searches:

Bringing sexy back into the marriage
Cake decorating classes
Happy birthday letter to myself
Little people marriage
Masturbation affects the marriage bed
How to self please
Ally Kontor
Bucket pickles
Porn storys
Christians marriage honeymoon
Women struggling with porn
Getting the most from self pleasure
Acting like a child
Sexy naked women

And my favorite this time around:

Sexy happy birthday cheesecake

Sounds like the best cheesecake out there, that's for sure!

A Second Interruption

2011-09-25T22:04:00.000-03:00

I know I said I was back over a month ago, but I didn't anticipate how busy I would be this past month!

Goose started school, I started babysitting again, wrote my personal trainer specialization exam, went to Saskatchewan to speak at a youth retreat, plus had the regular routine of work, household duties, church and family life! Even without any TV to watch because of the airwaves going digital, I still couldn't find the time to sit down and write.

But, Goose is settling into his school routine. I've established a new plan that gets all the kiddos in sync for a nap or quiet time during my babysitting days. I passed my exam. The retreat is over. I now have one less shift at work. Hubs has been an amazing helper in the household duty department. I'm believing that church and family life are going to be a little less stressful and a lot more fun effective immediately. Oh, and I still don't have TV.

So, I am positive that I will have more time to get my blog on. I am extremely happy about that. Why you may ask? Well, let me tell you: One, it's a stress reliever for me. Two, I love getting feedback. Three, I would rather write than speak ANY DAY.

Hubs and I were flown in to Saskatoon and then travelled up to Camp Kadesh in Christopher Lake last weekend to speak at a youth retreat. We had a great time and loved everything from the food to the people to the location. There's just one problem with those kinds of trips for me. I'm TERRIFIED of speaking. However, I am thankful that I was given the opportunity because, truthfully, I want to speak. I want to be able to stand in front of others with great confidence and boldness and proclaim truths and inspiration in phenomenal ways. But, in reality, it is not one of my strong points. I stammer and repeat myself. The things I'm sure of while I'm preparing, I begin to doubt when I start to speak. I'm afraid of leading people in a direction that will forever ruin their lives.

I know, it sounds like I'm being extreme, but I really do feel this way. Speaking stresses me out! When I speak, I can see your boredom or your confusion. Your negative messages are spoken through your body language, facial expressions and your willingness to ignore me and chat with your friends. If you don't respond at all, I feel as though I've failed. If I say something wrong, I can't delete it and re-say it.

At least when I write, I can't see the reaction on your face when you read. If you have something negative to say, you leave an anonymous message or more often, nothing at all. I can re-read and change things before I post.

Nonetheless, my speaking moment is over. I have to leave what I said in God's hands and trust that He spoke louder than I did. And now I can return to writing.

Wahoo!

Countdown

2011-09-05T13:59:00.004-03:00

Five years until you'll walk out the door and learn your ABC's.

Four years until you'll meet someone that you'll actually call by the title Mrs. or Mr.

Three years until you'll leave your little sister without her older playmate during the day.

Two years until you'll make friends that I've never met before.

One year until you'll hear words you've never heard before.

Six months until you'll be given the choice of making fun of or standing up for someone without my intervention.

Three months until summertime will take on a whole new meaning for you.

One month until we shop for clothes and a backpack, a lunch box and pencils.
Two weeks until you are no longer our alarm clock, but we will be setting an alarm for you.

One week until you'll have a daily routine that differs from the rest of your family.

Four days until you'll have stains on your clothes and I won't know why.

Two days until you'll scrape your knees and I won't be able to kiss them.

One day until you eat a meal with strangers.

Twelve hours until you put your backpack on.

Six hours until you get on the bus.

Six hours until I have to let you go.

You can do this little Goose. You'll be great. I'm already so proud of you and I can't wait to hear about your new friends and your favourite part of the day. I love you so much. Don't ever forget it.

Six hours and one minute until I can't hold it together any longer.

A Snake in the Grass: Our Early Afternoon Adventure

2011-09-02T21:16:00.001-03:00

First of all, anyone who clicked on this because you thought you were getting a Marriage Bed post, shame on you!

Second of all, I am pretty proud of myself for this afternoon's accomplishment. Here's what happened:

Hubs came in stating that he thought he saw a garter snake in the front flower beds. Dismissing the event as being over, I continued packing my lunch for work. Minutes later, Goose and Stinker had found the snake slithering in the driveway. As any mother would do when faced with a snake, I grabbed Monkey and our dog, Brin and headed outside to where the action was. Putting the baby on the ground, I let Brin free to mingle with the snake. She took a few seconds to catch on, but she eventually found the snake and the two of them began making their way through the grass in our side yard.

It wasn't long before Brin was skulking away...

Goose and Stinker enjoyed the entertainment from a distance (Major side note: see the look on Stinker's face? That's the look that she always gives me when we connect eye-to-eye. She loves me! It melts my heart and encompasses me with such pure joy... you'd never guess that we didn't have a bond until after she was one, eh?)...

But when it came down to it, they were quite nervous about the snake!

Hubs declared that he could pick it up because he had seen it done on TV. Then he disappeared behind the house and returned with a rake that then became his device to pin the snake to the ground. He basically mauled the poor thing and then jumped back at its every move.

I had to go to work soon and I was quite surprised that this snake was still around. I thought it would have found its way to its nest, slithered as far away from us as possible or vanish into the ground like I had seen them do when I was a kid. But, it was still there. Each and everyone of us (Monkey excluded) were extremely curious and intimidated by this two foot long creature.

Because it wasn't going anywhere, I made a decision: I was going to pick up the snake. Even though I have never held a snake before, I knew I had to grab it right behind the head so that it wouldn't be able to nip me. But, I also knew that it would slither in my hand and potentially wrap it's body around my arm.

On several occasions, I got close enough to grab it, but I couldn't get up the nerve! Hubs acted as a great cheerleader by telling me to go for it and attempting to motivate me to do it, but the fact that he wouldn't grab it didn't help.

Adrenaline was pumping through my body and my hands were actually shaking as my insides churned with apprehension. Nonetheless, I finally attempted to grab the snake and much to my surprise, I had success!

As you can see in my face, I am quite pleased with myself, yet I am still extremely nervous.

Hubs wanted to touch the snake. After he did, I let the snake go and, of course, Stinker then stated that she wanted to touch the snake too.

Ok, I did this once so I can do it again, right?

This time the snake dodged my first few attempts, but I did it! I caught it again. And this time, my grip was better.

We posed for a couple of pictures. Note the distance between me and the kids. They wanted to be part of the action, but were still afraid to get close. And Stinker couldn't take her eyes off of the thing!

But, eventually both Goose and Stinker touched the snake and we all accomplished facing a fear this afternoon. And it makes for a killer story to tell when they get older!

You can't see her face, but she's actually touching it here!

Interruption

2011-08-22T09:45:00.001-03:00

Obviously, I haven't written in quite some time. It's not that I didn't want to. Let me tell you, I wanted to ~~rant~~ write about many things, but it would not have been worth it. You see, for the past year, God has been trying to get my attention. During this time, I experienced relational hurts like none I've ever felt before and great frustration as I tried to sift through the things others were telling me versus the things God was telling me. Recently, everything seemed to peak to a point that caused me to fall prostrate before my God and depend on Him in ways I have never done before. I had to let go of the reigns and let Him do the work.

This is why I haven't written in over a month. And now, I feel more whole. More courageous. More at peace. Less in control. Less concerned with my own desires and ambitions.

Over the next little while, I'm sure some of the circumstances I recently faced will pop up in a post here or there. Today, I just want to say that my life just had a brief interruption for which I will be ever grateful. And... I'm back, suckers.

The Birthday Cake

2011-07-14T09:40:00.001-03:00

Goose turned five a couple of weeks ago. I can't believe how old he is getting to be. And so quickly! Sometimes, I wish I could rewind. Sometimes.

He was talking about his birthday for months before it arrived, suggesting different things we should do at his party, different themes we could play with. He chose a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle theme which I thought would be fine. Little did I know, we wouldn't come across a single TMNT decoration, plate, or toy in the process of planning for this party. But that was ok. It all ends up in the garbage anyway.

There was one thing that truly disappointed me though. You see, there hasn't been a birthday for any of my kids (and Hubs too) that I haven't made a cake from scratch to fit the theme of the party. That changed this birthday. I just couldn't pull it all together. I was working. Hubs had scheduled work events both weekends before and after Goose's actual birthday. We had the party on a Sunday (which for a ministry family is kind of a ridiculous thing to do). The clock kept ticking and I couldn't find time to bake a cake.

I walked into Sobeys two days before the party trying to convince my thumping heart that I was doing a good thing. I was making sure Goose had a cake. I was recognizing in advance that I wasn't able to do it myself. It was ok.

I flipped through the book of decorated cakes and found a lone TMNT cake. Good, they had what I needed. I waited for someone to take my order and my tummy developed serious knots. I tried to snap myself out of it. After all, I was just buying a cake for my son's birthday. People do it all of the time. It's not that big of a deal.

I started to order the cake and took the fact that they weren't able to find the topper for it as a sign that I should just suck it up and make the cake through the night or something.

More butterflies in my tummy.

After some persistent searching, they found the topper and the cake was being ordered. A few minutes later, I was walking out of Sobeys and heading to work. During the short drive to Curves, I recognized the gross feelings in my gut and heart as pure disappointment.

I realized that making the cakes for the kiddos' birthdays is something that I do for me as much as I do for them. Because really, they don't care if I make the cake or if I buy the cake. All they care is that there is a mound of sugar in front of them on their birthday. But I like doing it. I like making their cake. It takes me hours upon hours of baking, decorating, cleaning, perfecting. But it's the one thing that I can do for them that I pour my love into completely as I make it. For me, making the kid's cakes is a labour of love.

Monkey's birthday is coming up and even though he's only going to be one, you can bet that I'll be making his cake from scratch. The plan is that I'll continue to make their cakes until the day they get married and have someone else to take care of them.
But, this birthday was a good experience for me. I recognized my limitations and made the party work anyway - without my 'made with love' cake.
And no one knew the difference but me.
Hmmm.... there's something to be learned here.

Perfection: Updated

2011-07-12T10:15:00.002-03:00

So, life became a little busier than I thought it would over the last few weeks, and I didn't get my post updated when I said I would. Truth be told, I needed more time anyway. And I probably still need more time, but I have actually come up with three things that I can say that I like about my physique.

However, I was walking on the beach with my family yesterday afternoon, thinking about listing those three things, and I felt very uncomfortable about it. Maybe it's a fear of having you all look at those things the next time you see me and think, 'why on earth would she pick that as something she likes about herself?' Maybe it's because I'm afraid it will be interpreted as arrogance - which is something I do not feel in any way shape or form. Maybe I'm afraid to actually say that I like something about myself after years of focusing on what I don't like about myself because I may change my perspective and lifestyle... and that is truly intimidating. Maybe it's just the pure embarrassment of focusing on a particular aspect of my body when the entire world could actually read about it.

Whatever the reason, I feel uncomfortable about it.

And that probably means that I need to do this. Not for anyone else, but me. I need to stretch myself and begin to be more positive about who I am - outside and in. For some reason, it's easier for me to focus on the things I like inside of myself. The outward part is tougher to appreciate. But, this is me. A whole package. Inside and out.

So, here are the three things I like about myself: I like my back. I think it's slender and well, sexy. If that makes you feel as uncomfortable to read as it makes me feel to write, well, we're both going to stretch out of our comfort zones and grow a little more courageous today! I also like my arms. I think they look strong, yet they still look feminine. My favourite of all is a combination of my shoulders/collarbone area. I don't really have an extra reason why I like this area, I just think it looks strong and feminine too. I'm comfortable in a sleeveless dress or shirt.

So that's it. Those are the three things that I like. And that was the toughest blog post I have written to date. Now... to actually hit publish....

Perfection

2011-06-21T08:43:00.000-03:00

The weekend before last, I travelled to Moncton to attend twenty-five hours of classes as the beginning of my personal training certification. Throughout the weekend, the master trainer split up the days by getting us to participate in practical training and group activities that I usually enjoy - icebreakers.

One of the icebreakers required us to introduce ourselves to another person in the class and share our favorite body part with them. They would, in turn, have to share this information with the rest of the class. I met a girl named Melissa and proceeded to share my eyes as being a physical characteristic that I liked about myself. When the time came for everyone to stand in front of the class and share their newly learned information, others had stated body parts such as their legs, shoulders, abs, etc. When Melissa shared my choice as eyes, the trainer did not accept my answer. I was slightly dumbfounded and felt exceptionally put on the spot as she specified that I had to pick an aspect of my body that I could train to become more fit - a muscular part of my body.

My reaction at this point shocked me. I stammered and wavered and almost tried to argue that other aspects (such as eyes) should be acceptable since they were indeed a part of my body. I simply could not think of a single aspect of my body that I could share as a part I liked. I stated that I was extremely proud of the 34lbs that I lost, but that I still wasn't quite where I wanted to be so it was tough to pick something since nothing was quite where I wanted it to be.

I could feel my emotions get ahold of me. My voice started to quiver and I felt that I was on the verge of tears (hopefully it went unnoticed by others around me). I couldn't figure out why I was responding this way. I've considered myself to have gained a ton of confidence over the past several months and I am proud of putting in the hard work and seeing great results. I do not dislike my body as a whole, but to pick a part and state that I liked it was tough!

The situation opened my eyes. I knew I was a perfectionist, but it is absolutely disheartening how much of a perfectionist I am. It's not that I don't see the good in myself. I do see it. I just see the 'imperfect' first. Or I see how the things I could like about myself don't compare with the same aspect of someone else and therefore I disqualify them as an option. I am completely aware of how unreasonable this thought process is. Perfection is certainly not something I would encourage others to strive for because I see how fleeting and unrealistic it is. Yet I've realized that in my sub-consious, it is something that I expect of myself. Do you know how exhausting that is?

I'm not completely sure how to handle my newfound understanding of my self perception, but I know that something has to change.

My goal this week is to actually discover parts of my body that I do like and comprehend why I like them and accept that it is okay to like how I look. It's not arrogant. It's not a waste of time. It's good. I'm giving myself a week to come up with three things. Next Tuesday I'll share them with you - and hopefully, I'll be sharing with you a fuller sense of self confidence too.

Have We Met Before?

2011-06-20T09:08:00.000-03:00

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to celebrate sixty years of marriage between my maternal grandparents. It was a beautiful and truly amazing accomplishment and as family and friends gathered, there was a buzz of appreciation for the sixty years of sacrifice and love that we were honouring. However, as lovely as the celebration was, a quiet sadness was hiding under the celebratory buzz.

Over the last few years, my grampy has been losing his memory as dementia has been creeping in and hiding out where his memories used to be. Each time I see him, I realize that it has dug a little deeper and set his mind a little further in the past.

I walked in and saw him sitting at the kitchen table. Approaching him, I saw a familiar smile on his face. My heart sunk. It wasn't a smile that I was used to receiving from him, but one I recognized from the smiles he would give strangers on the street or in his congregation when he was pastoring in his small church in Mount Pleasant, PEI.

"Hello Grampy, " I said. "Can you believe this whole party is just for you?"

Still smiling, he responded. "It's something else, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. A big party."

After a few minutes of chit-chat. He looks at me and asks, "Have we met before?"

I can feel the tears sting the back of my eyes as I fight them off.

"Yes, we've met. I'm your granddaughter."

He responds with a simple, "oh." And I say a few more words, then leave to give him his space as he looks almost frustrated as he can't remember these things. Or maybe it's more that he has all these people telling him things that he can't fathom as truth, because after all, he's still a young lad in his mind and I'm not even sure if he knows that he has children let alone grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Soon after, I sought out my grandmother to have a little chat with her. I sat next to her on the couch, not thinking much of the fact that the space was empty although it was unofficially reserved for the man she was celebrating with that day. He chose a seat opposite her instead. As we talked, I soon learned that this was because he didn't think she was his wife, but his mother.
As we spent time in conversation, I looked at her beautiful appearance with her styled hairdo, new red shoes and make up enhancing her natural glow. My heart broke as I realized she was surrounded by people and celebrating sixty years of marriage all alone.

It just didn't seem fair. This woman has poured everything she had into her family and now, in those sweet years where they should be able to just sit in their chairs and be together, she sits alone with another body in the room. This man who has given his heart and soul to everything he has put his mind to no longer has a mind to reminisce and enjoy his accomplishments. Plus, to him, everyone's a stranger. The only people he knows are those who passed away years ago; those he can see only in his stilted memory.

I wish I could fix it. I wish God would fix it. I wish Grammy could enjoy the company of her husband. I wish Grampy would tease me instead of treat me with a polite respect. His reality is certainly different than mine, but if he has to live with his new reality, I have to deal with mine too.

I still see his smile and hear his voice, "Have we met before?"

Happy Birthday To Me!

2011-06-18T21:14:00.003-03:00

So, today is not my birthday. My birthday was actually on Thursday. And I had every intention of writing on that day. I didn't have anything particular in mind. Perhaps I would have ranted about the first few years of marriage and of how Hubs didn't get me a birthday card, let alone a present or a cake or anything to signify that the day was different than the rest. Maybe I would have written a love letter to myself reminding me of how amazing it is to grow up (yes, I am definitely still working on the growing up aspect of aging. It's harder than it looks!) and how blessed I am to have three little tykes who will be grown and out of my house by the time I am forty-seven years old - just in time for me to start travelling the world as I point and laugh at my friends with ten-year-olds.

I'm not sure what I would have written, but I do know that there was zero time during that day to write a word! I spent the day with my kids and another little boy whom I love dearly and get the opportunity to babysit every once in awhile. By the time he went home, we were eating supper and soon after we were bathing the kids and tucking them into bed. Hubs sent me out to get our newest addition, a boxer-sheltie named Brinn, a new collar because she had broken two during the previous twenty-four hours. When I arrived back home, I approached the side door to our home and saw Hubs trying to swiftly toss a bag of chips into the cupboard. Of course, my response to this was, "So, when's everyone arriving?"

It wasn't long after this that some friends started showing up at the door - complete with cheesecakes, ice cream cakes, and cakes made from scratch. It's a good job I workout for a living! It was a simple gathering, but I just felt so blessed to have a home and friends to celebrate with.

Turning twenty-eight is a pretty big deal, I think. I'm officially in my late-twenties. I'm growing up.

It wasn't so long ago that I wanted to take my life in my own hands and end it. This birthday could have been stripped from me because of my unhealthy state of mind.

But, thanks to grace, God... and medication... I am whole. And I just celebrated twenty-eight years in this world. Some were easy, some were tough, some were life changing and some were forgetful! Despite what they were, they are mine. And I look forward to twenty-eight more.

Stop. Breathe. Blog.

2011-06-15T09:05:00.000-03:00

The last few months have felt like a whirlwind. I've thought about blogging on several occasions, but finding the time has been nearly impossible. The time I did have, I chose to sleep instead. Because, honestly, I'm exhausted.

Perhaps the weather has something to do with it. I do miss the sunshine and I would love to feel warmth on my skin. I'm disappointed that we couldn't pull together enough cash to go on our vacation. We're supposed to be enjoying nice weather and good friends in Ottawa and Oshawa right now, but it just didn't come together this time around.

Balance is something I have been seriously lacking. I've started a new job at Curves and while I do enjoy my job, I'm still struggling to create a comfortable routine around it. They pay me minimum wage, yet expect me to learn Zumba on my own time and teach it well. In my opinion, this has to change. I have to stop prepping for my classes at home and start using Curves time to do it. After all, that is what they're paying me for, no? My time to run errands and grocery shop has become increasingly limited and so I've been skipping my flyer shopping and coupon cutting time. I've been running around several times a week rather than once a week to pick things up and the sum of it all is causing strain on the household budget... even with the extra income.

I miss the flexibility of not working. Having a job seriously cuts into one's social time! And family time too. I work everyday that Hubs has off and one of the two evenings he has off. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just for a short time. That we'll finish paying off our debt and then I can go back to being a full-time stay-at-home mom. But sometimes I wonder if all three of the kids will be in school before I have the chance to stay home.

Is it worth it? Is being stretched this thin and being this exhausted worth it all?

I'm not so sure.

I went into work yesterday feeling, well, sad. It had been literally two weeks since I had a conversation with Hubs. Maybe two weeks doesn't seem that long, but let's face it... this is the love of my life and we live together. Yet, for weeks, we only see each other in passing. He walks in the door and I walk out. If we are together, it's prime chaos time with the kids or we're at the church surrounded by others. There's no time for us. And I went to work yesterday just wanting to bawl my little eyes out. This isn't life. This isn't what I signed up for.

I just want my family. My husband. Time. Being this busy is not what I want. So I'm searching for balance. For a way to make my minimum wage job stretch further in money and not dominate my time. Can I do it? I'm not really sure. But I am going to try!

Are You Googling Me?

2011-06-02T20:07:00.001-03:00

Every once in awhile I check the traffic sources in my blogger account to see where people are coming from when they read my blog. I get a lot of hits for things like 'Insanity challenge", "Insanity before and after", "the marriage bed", "carrie singh", "carrie singh journey inside", "sexually confident wife" or "prayer"... stuff like that. But, I often find myself giggling (sometimes because it's funny, other times because I just can't believe it!) at the google searches some have entered and then stumbled upon The Journey Inside. Here are a few of my personal favorites quoted verbatim:

How to get my wife into self pleasure
How to be a whoreable wife (did they mean that? Or did the mean 'horrible'? Nonetheless, it makes me chuckle!
Bad bedsex
Women with sexy back
I want a man
How to self pleasure
Adding a new partner to the marriage bed
Is it ok to date inside marriage?
Christian honeymoon sex
Honeymoon sex disappointment

And my favorite to date:

The journey inside of an anus.

I have a feeling most of the people that searched for these didn't last very long on The Journey Inside!

A Better Way

2011-05-28T17:12:00.001-03:00

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you felt so hurt that you couldn't see past it? Have you thought, "I'll never forgive until I hear the words, 'I'm sorry.'"? Have you avoided situations in order to protect yourself from further disappointment?

I've never really been faced with a situation like this until recently. It has actually been the toughest thing I have ever faced. Maybe it's because I didn't think that those who are close enough to me to hurt me actually would. Maybe it's because I haven't and likely never will hear those precious words of apology. Maybe it's because the others involved don't validate my feelings of hurt as reasonable. Maybe it's something else that I still haven't been able to pinpoint.

Despite the reasons for the difficulty I've been faced with, I have come to a place where I finally feel peace and forgiveness. I wanted to forgive for so long. But words said and unsaid or actions against me kept coming to my mind bringing up feelings of disappointment and pain, thus, keeping me from fully forgiving when I needed to the most.

Prayer and Bible reading would show me what I needed to do, but I just didn't know how to do it. How do I forgive someone who doesn't even seem to realize that they've hurt me and appears more concerned with the apparent insult of my suddenly apprehensive distance? Of course, in my human nature, I allowed this to make the wounds deeper and the gap larger. After all, God himself doesn't forgive our sins unless we repent, so why should I forgive?

But finally, my frustration with the whole thing grew too large for me to tolerate anymore. Desperate, I prayed yet another time for God's help and I experienced a small miracle within my heart. I apologized for my own part in the chaos and began to feel peace. I may never hear words of acknowledgement let alone words of apology and the relationship that once existed may or may not return to the strength and trust it once knew, but I found, by the grace of God, the ability to forgive. I found a better way.

Eavesdropping on Playtime

2011-05-18T11:48:00.000-03:00

I introduced Goose and Stinker to Cops and Robbers yesterday. Stinker and I were the 'robins', as she called us, and Goose was the Cop. He strategically hid inside a giant frog laundry hamper while Stinker and I took a laundry bag and ran around the family room stuffing it with baby dolls, cars, balls and markers.

As soon as we began to make our way for the security of our 'home' under Stinker's bunk bed, Cop Goose began his pursuit of us. He chased us around until he caught me by the shirt on the middle of the stairs. Stinker, holding tightly to our goodies, was at the top of the stairs when I shouted, "Help! I'm caught."

She stopped, turned around and looked at me as if to question what she was supposed to do. I told her she could come help me get free.

She didn't move.

Then I offered a choice of solutions. "You can throw the bag to the cop and he'll let me go or you can leave me with the cop and take the stuff to your house."

"I want the stuff. Cop, take her away!"

And you wonder why we call her Stinker...

Trust Issues

2011-05-15T17:39:00.000-03:00

I have trust issues. Seriously.

When driving, I don't trust another's signal light. I will wait until they've turned before entering the road. I don't trust that another car will stop as they approach a yellow light even though I am in the middle of the intersection waiting to turn left. I wait until I see them stopping before I proceed.

When at the grocery store, I don't trust that the cashier has scanned the correct price, taken off the 50% quick sale discount or entered my coupon. I check my receipt thoroughly each time I shop. I don't trust the listed prices for items. I'm always checking the bar code number to see if it matches the sign.

Unfortunately, I often don't trust when someone tells me they are going to do something for me and I rarely trust that someone is honest when they give me a compliment.

More often than I'd like to say, my distrust proves worthy. How many times has an indicator light been flashing and the car has zoomed past me? How many times have I paid more for the items in the grocery cart than I should have (and then returned to customer service for an adjustment!)? How many times have I been told that so-in-so would do something to help me only to find they haven't done anything?

In a way, I guess my mistrust has benefitted me. I'm not suffering from car accidents and I'm no longer unknowingly paying more for my groceries than I should be. Plus, when someone follows through on their word, I am pleasantly surprised and very grateful!

But why am I so untrusting?

As a teenager, I gave a lot of compliments to make others feel better about themselves instead of giving them because I meant them. I'm sure that makes me wonder if others' compliments are sincere or if they are simply flattery. I've been let down many times when others haven't kept their word and I've experienced situations that could have been devastating had I trusted the signal light or the total on the receipt.

I hate that it takes so long for trust to regrow. How is it that years of trust can be squashed with one bad experience? And why does it take so many integral experiences to overcome the single bad experience and restore trust?

Worse yet, why does it affect my trust in God?

He is so good. He has always cared for my family and provided when we were in need. He has protected and loved and nurtured. Yet, when something goes awry, I am questioning why He would allow or cause it to occur.

My distrust in others has caused me to be very much of a do-everything-yourself person. Because if I don't do it, it won't get done, right? I have taken the reigns in everything - finances, parenting, household duties - everything that I can possibly take the reigns in. But, lately, I'm being reminded of something that I've been ignoring for far too long.

I simply cannot survive in my own strength. Yes, I need to trust people and give them the chance to prove to me that they are trustworthy or be gracious if they do happen to let me down. Moreso, I need to trust God. I know that He is worthy of my trust and that He won't let me down, but sometimes I'm afraid that He'll take me down a path that I'm not planning to take. In reality, that is very likely what will happen. But, He is so good! So, why can't I let go of my personal plans and take His plans as my own? Things would be so much better, wouldn't they? And that's what I want. What I need. A better plan. A God plan. Because my plans of being debt free, of being a good mom, of visiting Disney, of getting a bigger house... they are not enough. I want wisdom. I want peace. I want joy. Love. Kindness.

I want Jesus.

It's been months in the making, but I am letting go of the reigns. I am giving them back over to God. When He speaks, I will listen. Where He leads me, I will go. He will be my priority.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5,6

The Marriage Bed: The Domination of Little People

2011-05-06T22:05:00.000-03:00

Remember the good ol' days? You know, when aside from work and household responsibilities, the only other thing on your mind was your lover? He would leave love notes before he left for work and you'd be waiting for him in your birthday suit when he came home. She'd send racy texts and you'd plan dates on a regular basis.
When the first precious baby was discovered, you were both so ecstatic. Your love created life! There cannot possibly be anything more amazing than that.
What happened from that moment to today? Where's the flame that burned so profoundly in the early years of marriage? Our precious little children are certainly loved and wanted, but they definitely didn't come with a warning label that indicated to us that we would be exhausted, over touched, and on call 24-7.
We've traded in sex appeal for a puke-infused attire, lunch break dates for a non-paying job as a personal chauffeur, romantic mid-day rendezvous for coloring and dinky car racing, and late night walks for, well, sleep! Let's face it, our lives are now dominated by these little people.
It can be frustrating and even lonely at times when you look at your lover and wonder if he even wants you anymore. Or when she seems more concerned with taking care of the kids over spending time with you.
It's inevitable that with the addition of children, the love life you once shared with your spouse will change. But that doesn't mean that it has to get worse. Keeping the flame burning may just be easier than you think. Here are some ideas:

Write it on the calendar. Ok, so maybe you don't want to actually write it on the gigantic family calendar that hangs in your kitchen, complete with gigantic red hearts and condom taped to the date. But, you can plan dates where you'll enjoy being lovers on a regular basis. Sure, it may not be spontaneous, but who says spontaneity equals quality? When you were dating each other, you'd anticipate your date nights each time they were approaching. You just wanted to spend time with each other. With the busy schedules kids come with, it may be necessary to plan love dates in order to make sure you don't keep putting each other off for what may seem to be more important at the time (ie. sleep!). If you value your marriage, sex needs to be made a priority. And I'm pretty sure you'll come to anticipate these dates like you did the dates of days gone by.

Be prepared. Ladies, I'm talking to you. We all know that (generally), our men will take it in any way shape or form we'll give it, but there's a mental shut down then second we remember our unshaved legs, smelly arm pits or granny panties. While it can be tempting to skip the shower for fear of the baby waking or put on the granny panties for the sake of comfort, you can rest assured that you will have an opportunity to be intimate when you do and you'll have to fight the mental struggle that has you more concerned with the way you smell than being together. So, take the time to be prepared.

Change your expectations. Real life love making doesn't fit into the Disney princess romance stereotype nor does it fit into our societies ever-increasing erotica infatuation (put the two of those together... Disney erotica... I wonder if that's locked in the Disney vault.) Be willing to enjoy each other in whatever way is possible. For example, don't pass on the opportunity for a quickie because it's not 'romantic.' And don't skip out on planning an evening to sweep her off her feet because it takes too much effort. The bottom line is and always will be: being together.

Ask for help. With kiddos, life is always a little bit unpredictable and you need time to be alone together. Don't be afraid to ask grandparents, aunts and uncles or good friends to have your kids over for a sleepover so that you can enjoy a night together and a morning to sleep in! It's ok to take a break from the kids. One day, they'll move out and you'll be left alone with your spouse. How you manage your relationship while the kids are home will determine if your relationship will still exist when they're gone.

Ask for help - take two. A lot of changes take place during pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Physical, mental and emotional disruptions are normal, but pain and depression are not. If you feel like something is wrong, follow your gut, swallow your pride and seek out help. A doctor can help you find the problem and make you healthy again so that you can enjoy your love life.

Touch each other. Perhaps it seems ridiculous to mention, but I'm serious. It is so easy to go an entire day without touching each other and not even noticing. Maybe you're over-touched from having four little monkeys hang off of you all day long. Or maybe you're so busy that you only see each other in passing as you're each carting kids to extra-curriculars and running errands. Be purposeful in stopping several times a day to simply touch each other. A kiss, a hug, or even a hand on the shoulder or leg if you have the chance to sit by each other for a moment. Snuggle in bed or fall asleep with your toes touching. It doesn't matter how you touch as long as you do. Making love is not likely to happen if the first touch you receive is a sexual advance. But with little touches throughout the day, you've certainly increased the likelihood.

Give each other the freedom to change. You each have new responsibilities within this family you've created and it would be very unrealistic to think that the person you said your vows to is going to be the exact same today, or twenty years from now, that she was on that day. Give him the room to explore new hobbies, to hang out with new (and old) friends, and to develop his parenting style apart from you. Having the freedom to grow and change without the disappointment of your spouse will relieve incredible amounts of stress from your relationship. Plus, it gives you the opportunity to have an identity aside from being so-and-so's parent resulting in more conversations while you explore the changes in each other. It was those conversations that caused you to fall in love once upon a time and it's those conversations that will keep the love growing, thus resulting in more desire for each other.

It takes effort to keep a marriage bed on fire as children take so much of our time and energy. But it's effort well spent! Anyone else have any ideas for keeping the flame burning after children?

Cleaning Up

2011-04-21T10:03:00.000-03:00

I couldn't be so lucky as to miss out on the thrill of the flu this time around, but as I laid curled up in my bed for the entire day yesterday, Hubs graciously stepped up and tackled the house. When I awoke, the toys and coats were put away and the grimy floor had disappeared. Plus, three kiddos were well taken care of as I lived the day in another world - one that was reminiscent of labor pains. To say that I'm glad that day is over is certainly an understatement!

But I awoke today feeling fresh and normal and ready to take on responsibilities. Lysol and I had a magnificent time attacking light fixtures and knobs and anything else sick hands may have touched. The laundry is in full force and buckets of warm soapy water are awaiting me to clean floors and walls. Scrubbing Bubbles and I will be having a more serious heart to heart as we dance over every square inch of the bathroom. All bedding has been stripped again - just in case - and has joined the laundry lineup.

I had to change my Curves audition and I won't be going in until Monday now. I am simply thankful that they didn't write me off and that I still get a chance to audition.

Easter production practices continue this evening like I didn't miss a beat.

We're supposed to have company arrive today, but called them last night suggesting they come on Saturday in hopes that we'll be rid of all the germs by then.

I thought we were going to miss out on the flu this year, but here we are at the end of April and it nabbed us. Looking out the window and seeing fresh snow on the ground makes me think that there is a lot of fishiness going on this week.... isn't it supposed to be April showers at this point??

Keeping Up

2011-04-19T23:34:00.000-03:00

So, as it currently stands, my queasy tummy isn't going to turn into much more than a flatulent...

Ok, ok. I know that was unnecessary. I'm sorry.

I'm not sick... yet. But I have certainly been demoted from my position of 'stepping up' to a more humble position of 'keeping up.' Goose and Stinker slept the majority of the day yesterday only to play for a short time, have a small bite, take a quick bath and return to their freshly made beds for the night. Today, they awoke in full force; ready to take on the world. Hubs left for work and called me soon after to pick him up.

He caught the bug.

Spending the day in bed, I found myself in a sort of cruel game as I noticed the chaos of my home. There are piles of clean dishes, dishes I'm cleaning and dishes that needed to be cleaned lining the counters. There are piles of clean laundry, laundry I'm cleaning and laundry that needs to be cleaned in the laundry room, bathroom, family room, bedrooms and hallways. There are toys strewn all over the kitchen and kids' bedroom floors. Shoes, splash pants and coats fill the entrance of my home. The kitchen floor has two days worth of grime on it - that means grime on top of grime and that's nasty.

My intention is not to complain. It's just to show how insane things can become when one (or two or three) in a family are out of commission.

Make that four. After checking in on Monkey, I've discovered a baby covered in puke.

What I find overwhelming about this whole thing is that I don't have all day long to keep up on these tasks. See, it's Easter week and our church is putting on a production where I'm the narrator. So, with major practices tonight, Thursday and Friday and productions on Friday and Sunday, I've had to take a few hours to get the timing down with what I have to say and the tracks that play as I speak. Plus, I have an audition at Curves tomorrow for a job. I need to choose a dozen cardio moves to lead during the circuit so that the owner can observe me to decide if she thinks I'll be a good fit. I really need a job, so choosing these moves and preparing for this audition is very important right now. My greatest concern about both of these upcoming events is that I am going to be struck with this bug and be unable to fulfill my commitments (and miss out on a job!).

At this point, it's hit four out of five of my family members. I'm the last one standing and when you're the only target left, it's a lot harder to dodge the bullets! It may be a lot to ask, but please pray that God will protect me at this time. I really need his protection.

Stepping Up

2011-04-18T13:10:00.001-03:00

As the sun set yesterday, I longed for the warmth of my blankets and the comfort of my bed, but sleep eluded me as I stepped up to be a mom of three. During the wee hours of the morning, the smallest little one whimpered and whined as he awoke each time his elder sister threw up in her sleep and then proceeded to wail like an approaching fire engine or his elder brother called my name in terror as he had yet another dream that spiders were overtaking his bed. Whispering comforting words and prayers, rubbing backs and heads, removing soiled bedding and pajamas (thankful that there were enough clean ones to replace them with), I did my best to show my kids that I would take care of them regardless of the cost.

As the sun rose this morning, I awoke after an hour of solid sleep to the sounds of my little ones declaring that the sun was up and I should be as well. Looking at Hubby, I tried to step up and be a good wife, letting him sleep in as I began my day. Honestly, the action of getting up certainly looked better than my heart in this decision, but still, I tried.

Attempting to feed the kids, I discovered that one had stopped throwing up and the other had started. Appetites were non-existent, as were normal actions. Grabbing another blanket from the washing machine to hang on the line, I found a sleeping Stinker cuddled under a blanket on the couch, searching for her energy in dreamland. Since then, she has awoken and fallen back to sleep thrice between sips of blue raspberry Gatorade and requests for Strawberry Shortcake videos.

Goose has walked past me as a sort of zombie in his Lightening MacQueen jammies and found refuge on my bed under my childhood Disney blanket. Now, he too sleeps.

It's just me and Monkey. He just smiles and plays, but I can see in his eyes that he wonders where his siblings are. I'm sure he must be missing their entertainment today. And while I enjoy his company, he still sleeps so much that I feel as though I have gone from being a mom of three to a mom of none as they all sleep the day away.

I think about sleeping too, but then remember the pile of sheets and jammies that still require cleaning. I look at the spots on the floor that need sterilization. I see the dishwasher light that reminds me there are dishes inside waiting to be put back where they belong. There are still coats on the floor from last night. Garbage bins that need to be changed. So, I step up and become housekeeper.

And I simply wonder as my tummy starts to feel queasy, who will step up when it's my turn to have a date with the toilet?

the G.O.S.P.E.L

2011-04-16T20:39:00.000-03:00

Got four minutes? This is the story that runs through my veins:

G.O.S.P.E.L. from Humble Beast Records on Vimeo.

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: FINAL WEIGH IN! Plus, Before and After Pics!

2011-04-05T12:30:00.004-03:00

Here's a flashback to the week this challenge started. The video was taken in the evening on January 3 and I weighed in at 173 lb. The competition started two days later and I weighed in at 166.9 lb. first thing in the morning. That looks like I lost 6 lb. in 2 days... it's obviously not accurate because of the different time of day, but I still say that since that day, I've lost 34 lb.

And here I am today!

January 6, 2011

April 5, 2011

These are my stats as of this morning:

Weight: 139.0 lb. (-1.2 lb. this week/-27.9 lb. overall)

BMI: 21.9

Chest: 34.0" (0/-7.5")

Waist: 27.75" (0/-6.25")

Hips: 38.25" (0/-4.25")

Left Upper Arm: 9.75" (0/-1.25")

Right Upper Arm: 10.25" (0/1.25")

Left Thigh: 19.5" (-0.25"/-4.0")

Right Thigh: 19.5" (-0.25"/-5.0")

Total: 159" (-0.5"/-31.0")

Belly Button Bonus: 33.25" (-0.5"/-8.75")

That's a total of 39.75" shed from my body! I can't deny it. That feels AWESOME.

At the beginning of this, I was terrified. There were days where I would be agonizing over the workouts and literally groaning in the middle of them asking myself (yes, out loud) why on earth I was putting myself through the pain and torture of Shaun T's and Jillian Michaels' craziness. Then I'd chant to myself, "Strong, long and lean" in an attempt to keep myself motivated. I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm thirty pounds lighter and forty inches smaller so I don't care how much you mock me!

Now, I am so proud of myself. I actually did it. I lost the weight I wanted to lose. I feel strong, energized and happy. While the competition is over and counting calories is no longer necessary, my lifestyle has drastically changed. Exercise is now something I enjoy and look forward to. I have fallen more in love with food and the amazing natural flavours they contain and can create when combined. While I still enjoy a treat once in awhile, junk food and sweets have found their rightful place as a treat rather than a staple of my diet.
As for our little competition... well, my news isn't quite as exciting. Chris lost 2.5 lb. this week in comparison to the 1 lb. that I lost. I lost a total of 16.77% and he lost 17.1%. So, I lost the challenge by 0.33%. But I certainly gave it all I had! And while I didn't win $100 and our household budget is actually out $66 to give to Chris for winning, looking at my before and after pictures make it more than worthwhile. Who knows? Maybe we'll get some cash back from our income tax this year and I'll be able to get new pants! (Ok, so I'm trying to be positive, but I'm super disappointed that I lost. I hate losing.)
For anyone wanting to do something like this and make it a reality... yes, it's tough. At times it sucks. BUT it is so worth it.

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: The Race Is On

2011-03-31T11:35:00.000-03:00

The results are in! I won again this week...

and...

I've taken the lead by 0.24%.

Five days and between me and my bro... it is anyone's game. Who knows which way the scales will turn? I'm freaking out over here because I have to work soooooo hard right now. It's so close I can almost feel the cash in my pocket. I just hope it doesn't fall out of the pocket since my pants are too big...

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #12

2011-03-31T09:34:00.001-03:00

Holy cow! I have never fought so hard for a hundred dollars and a little glory in my whole life. I have been eating 1200 calories a day and then burning 400-600 calories on top of it. My favorite workout of the week? Jillian Michael's No More Trouble Zones. It's not cardio crazy like Insanity is, but it's seven six minute circuits where you work two or more muscle groups at a time using light weights. I don't care about the numbers on the scales anymore (except for the fact that those numbers determine whether or not I win), but I really want to tone up this post baby belly. So, JM's workout seems to be getting me going in that direction. I think I'd really enjoy P90X as well, but I'd rather take the winnings to buy new pants rather than another workout program!

The big question is: Has it paid off? Has eating fibre and protein rich foods that are as low in calories as I can possibly manage and then working and sweating like a dog paid off? Has not eating after 6pm paid off? What about drinking at least 10 glasses of water a day? Cooking without oils?

*Drumroll please...*

Yes! It has! I am down five (yes, FIVE!) pounds this week. That puts me just 0.2 lbs above my goal weight of 140. I have now lost 16.17% of my body weight since starting this challenge. Is is enough to take the lead? I hate the four hour time difference between me and my competitors and the fact that I always have to wait until lunch time to find out where I stand. Oh well, I'd better get busy with laundry and mopping until I find out.

Weight: 140.2 lb. (-4.8 lb. this week/-26.8 lb. overall)

BMI: 22.1

Chest: 34.0" (-1.0"/-7.5")

Waist: 27.75" (-0.5"/-6.25")

Hips: 38.25" (-0.25"/-4.25")

Left Upper Arm: 9.75" (-0.25"/-1.25")

Right Upper Arm: 10.25" (0/1.25")

Left Thigh: 19.75" (-0.25"/-3.75")

Right Thigh: 19.75" (-0.5"/-4.75")

Total: 159.5" (-2."/-30.5")

Belly Button Bonus: 33.75" (-0.25"/-8.25")

Five days left. FIVE DAYS.

I NEED new pants. I am so going to win this!!!

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #11

2011-03-26T21:52:00.001-03:00

I've been single parenting since Thursday, so blogging hasn't really been the highest priority I have these days, but I have a moment and I'd love to fill you in on my further success in this challenge.

I'm not so sure that I should be calling it the Insanity Challenge anymore since I've only been doing one or two Insanity workouts a week. I've added morning walks, light weights and my new favorite, a step-aerobics class to my routine in an attempt to change things up a bit. With so little time to go and a hundred big ones on the line, I've gotta find ways to lose a little more!

I also cut a few more calories this week and while I still lost weight, I was a little disappointed that I only lost a pound and a half. Last week I ate more calories and lost more weight.... so, that sucks. I think it must be because I didn't have a chance (or take the opportunities that I did have) to workout from Thursday to Sunday. This close to the deadline, I probably shouldn't have done that. Nonetheless, a pound and a half is still a pound and a half!

Now, I'm weighing in at 145lbs. (-1.5 lbs this week/ 22lbs overall)

BMI: 22.7

Chest: 35.0" (-0.5"/-6.5", okay, starting to feel a little pubescent again.... we can stop losing here now, thank you!)

Waist: 28.25" (-0.25"/5.75")

Hips: 38.5" (-0.5"/-4.0")

Left Upper Arm: 10.0" (0/-1.0")

Right Upper Arm: 10.25" (-0.25"/1.25")

Left Thigh: 19.75" (-0.25"/-3.25")

Right Thigh: 19.75" (-0.5"/-4.75")

Total: 161.5" (-2.25"/-28.5")

Belly Button Bonus: 34.0" (-0.5"/-8.0")

I closed the gap between myself and the guy leading this challenge from 0.6% to 0.41% and let me tell you, if I lose this close, I think I'll cry. I'm not sure why I've been labelling my competitor as the "guy" all along, but it's time to reveal his identity... he's my BROTHER! And we're both super competitive. I SO need this win so that I can rub it in his face. He has been in the lead the ENTIRE competition (by as much as 2.58%), save one week when I took the lead by 0.07% (how pathetic is that?!). I want this so bad. So, my game is on. No refined sugars. No added fats. No eating after six. More salads. More water. More exercising. More sleep. I am going to win this.

Here we go.

Sojourn

2011-03-22T23:11:00.002-03:00

Today I became a sojourner in a land I've never seen before.

I'm not sure how it happened. I was on my way home, but I couldn't find my way. Those who once guided me there told me I was no longer welcome. Not because of me; because of the one my heart holds dear.

Confused, I began to run away. With jumbled thoughts in my mind, I was certain there must be a misunderstanding. So, I ran back to plead the case of my beloved. I asked them to look beyond his markings and see his heart - pure and clean. But they would not.

Instead, they labelled him a leper and began to scream, "Unclean! Unclean!"

I turned and ran again from the place I once called home. I ran hard and fast. I ran for a long time, until each tree trunk and each family of ferns looked like the last.

Stopping to catch my breath, I thought about running back. But, no. What good would it do? I can't waste the little life I have left going somewhere that I'm not welcome.

I started to look around. A path to the right was visible and welcoming. I wanted so much to be welcomed somewhere. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I spotted another path in the opposite direction. It was narrow. Full of roots and brush, the branches weaved a discouraging web.

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Weighing my options, I began the journey I didn't want to take. I pushed through the tangled mess to the unknown place where I now stand.

I'm not sure how long I'll stay here, but I know the days are numbered. I don't want to be here.

It's cold.

Dark.

Void of familiar faces - of the security I knew when I laid my head upon my pillow last night.

But I feel that God is with me. He's shaping me. Moulding me. Teaching me.

It's not easy. I'd rather be home.

But, how can I complain when I know His ways are best? I will trust. Even in this hollow place, I will trust.

Reflections on the Ceiling

2011-03-21T10:31:00.000-03:00

Preparing a snack for your older brother and sister, I noticed your beautiful eyes fixated on the reflections the knife cast upon the ceiling as I sliced the fruit in a monontonous fashion. I responded to your inquisitive self with reasoning that was purely for my entertainment.

I told you that we no longer needed light fixtures. That light would now beam from our ceiling whenever we needed it.

You believed me.

I told you that microscopic creatures were having a dance.

You believed me.

I told you that aliens were coming to visit.

You believed me.

I could have told you anything and you would have believed me.

I smiled as I watched your bewildered face staring at the light. It was simple (or so I thought), and I decided to tell you the truth: It's the sun reflecting off the knife. Neat, huh?

Someday, you won't come to me for the answers to your questions. Someday, you won't believe me so easily when I give you my answers. Someday, I won't know the answers anyway. But I will trust that God is showing you things that He never showed me. I will trust that you are seeking His face and listening to His voice. I won't condemn you when you I disagree and I will listen to you with an open mind and heart when you tell me what you have been learning. I won't feel threatened by your independence and your ability to rationalize without my help. Who knows? Maybe you'll see things in a deeper way than I ever have. And that would be reason to celebrate!

You turned your face away from the reflection and looked at my face. Tears welled in my eyes and my chest became tight as I heard you speak to me. You spoke without words - after all, you're not yet eight months old - but in my spirit, I heard God talking through you.
It's not really that simple, Mom. It's the victorious son shining through the window caught by the works of your hands and spread farther than logic would reason.

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #10

2011-03-17T17:28:00.002-03:00

I am one step closer to the finish line and super pumped about being so close to my goal... except for one thing. I keep losing the challenges!
I am now in second place for overall loss - by 0.6%. We are neck and neck and I am so stressed about losing my cash over this. I've lost an average of about 2 lbs/week and I can't seem to lose more than that. So, how do I gain the advantage and keep it!!??? Winning that cash means being able to buy pants that aren't falling off my body. This is important!!
Yes, I lost an additional 2 lbs this week. This is rockin' (yes, I said 'rockin'') because I'm now at 146.4 lbs: the high end of what I was weighing in pre-pregnancy. *Insert gigantic smiley face* Plus, I've now lost over 20 lbs. *Insert most gigantic smiley face*

Weight: 146.4 lbs (-2 lbs this week/-20.5 lbs overall)
BMI: 23.1
Chest: 35.5" (-0.25"/-6.0"
Waist: 28.5" (-0.5"/-5.5")
Hips: 39.0" (-0.75"/-3.5")
Left Upper Arm: 10.0" (-0.25"/-1.0")
Right Upper Arm: 10.5" (0/-1.0")
Left Thigh: 20.0" (-0.5"/-3.5")
Right Thigh: 20.25" (-0.25"/-4.25")
Total: 163.75" (-2.5"/-26.25")
Belly Button Bonus: 34.5" No change this week!

Nineteen days, two weekly weigh ins, one final weigh in, and 6.4 lbs to go plus a lump of cash on the line.
Ahh!!!

Looking for Approval

2011-03-15T14:03:00.001-03:00

Today I realized that I still look for my parent's approval. I go out of my way to do the things that I believe will make them proud of me and when I disagree with their opinions or I've done something that does not make them proud, I talk and re-talk about it in an attempt to find a sign - anything - that will let me know that I'm still in their good books.

It's silly for me to do this because I know that they love me and accept me simply because I am their daughter. I am blessed to have parents that actually cared for me as a child and still care for me as an adult.

Yet, I've twisted this in my mind so much that it's no longer good enough. I keep looking for their approval in the things I do rather than just let them show their love because of who I am - their daughter.

Upon this realization, I felt God asking me if I am doing the same with Him. Am I trying to show Him what a good Christian I can be so that I can have His approval? Am I trying to do the right things to earn His love instead of allowing Him to love me for who I am - His daughter?

How many things am I missing out on because I'm still trying to gain His approval so that we can have a relationship when He's trying to tell me that it doesn't matter. He's trying to tell me to stop doing. To stop being so busy. To stop trying to impress Him.

But I can't hear Him because I'm to busy showing Him my latest project. Look, God! I did this for you! Do you love me now?

I've always loved you, Carrie. Just stop. Come sit with me.

I will. Soon. Just let me do this one thing. You're really going to be proud of me then.

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh Ins #8 & #9

2011-03-10T20:11:00.001-04:00

I know, I know. I missed last week's weigh in post. It's been a ridiculously busy season of life and it's been tough to keep up with everything! A super quick recap of weigh in #8 is that I lost two pounds (putting me in the 140's!) and a half an inch. It's funny how I lost two pounds both at weigh in #1 and weigh in #8, but the inches lost was dramatically different. I was down 5.75 inches that first week but at week eight, it was a measly half an inch. This is a crazy scheme exercising pull on you...

This past week was one of my lower loss weeks, but I still lost and I actually won the weekly challenge - everyone else gained! I guess the bandwagon's harder to ride after nine weeks of riding...

And I am now in the lead by a measly 0.07% of total body weight lost, so I have 26 days to go as hard as I can and earn myself $100 on top of my lighter physique. I'm determined and I really hope that I'll be able to say that I've won the entire challenge!

Here are some numbers:

Weight: 148.4 lbs (-1.1lbs this week/18.5lbs overall)

BMI: 23.4

Chest: 35.75" (-0.25"/-5.75")

Waist: 29.0" (-0.25"/-5.0")

Hips: 39.75" (-0.0/-2.75")

Left Upper Arm: 10.25" (-0.25"/-0.75")

Right Upper Arm: 10.5" (-0.25"/-1.0")

Left Thigh: 20.5" (-0.25"/-3.0")

Right Thigh: 20.5" (-0.25"/-4.0")

Total: 166.25" (-1.5"/-23.75")

Belly Button Bonus: 34.5" (-0.25"/-7.5")

To get an idea of what this looks like, here's an 18.5lb Mutton Snapper. Yup, a nice big fish. Who knew weightloss could look so ginormous when you roll in all up into a nice looking fish!

So, now I sit just 4.4lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight and 8.4lbs from my goal weight. With only 26 days to go, I'm not so sure that I'm going to make my goal weight, but I'm pretty confident I'll reach my pre-pregnancy weight. A big motivator for me to push hard to reach my goal is that my friend Sherri will treat me to a movie if I make it!

Here I go. This is the home stretch!

Anyone out there want to send me some cash to buy a new wardrobe after all of this?? No? Well, it doesn't hurt to ask!

More Meaningful Than Tea and Chocolate

2011-03-09T12:57:00.004-04:00

So, today is Ash Wednesday. It wasn't that long ago that I didn't even know what that meant. Today, I know; Ash Wednesday is the first of forty days before Easter that I get to stop doing something that I usually do a lot. Hubs has been talking about Lent this year for a few weeks at this point, but when he mentioned this morning that today is Ash Wednesday, I was shocked. It came so fast! I hadn't even decided what I was going to give up for forty days. So, I started thinking (sometimes this hurts) and my options are endless! I could really enjoy this Lent thing. After all,

I could stop turning all the socks right side out when I'm doing the laundry.

I could stop stain treating yucky clothes.

I could stop folding.

I could stop doing laundry all together.

I could stop cleaning up the pee around the toilet seat.

I could stop cleaning hair out of the sink and tub.

I could stop picking toys up off the floor.

I could stop making meals.

I could stop listening to whiny kids.

I could stop...

What's that you're saying? This isn't the kind of stuff I'm supposed to be giving up? It's supposed to be a sacrifice? What do you mean? I'm supposed to give up something I like? I'm supposed to learn something from this? It's supposed to strengthen my character and I'm supposed to gain virtue through this practice? So, what you're saying is that I'm denying myself something I actually like in order to become a better person, right? Someone who is less focused on myself? What could possibly motivate me to do something like that!?

Oh right...

Yes. Yes. He did give everything. His time. His pride. His image. His life. Yes, he did do it for me, didn't he? It's amazing, really. After all, who am I that He would give his life for me?

So, what you're saying is that in denying myself something that I take pleasure in, it can help me to not only be less focused on me, but more focused on Him? Maybe even be less like me and more like Him?

I think I'd like that. More like Him. Yes. That's what I want to be: more like Christ.

What could I give up?

TV? With American Idol just getting underway? I don't think I could!

Phone? Naw, I don't like the phone much anyway.

Facebook? Twitter? Blogging? Email? Are you crazy? These aren't just things I enjoy; they are not only sources of entertainment but of instant information. If I have a question about anything, I can post it on my wall and have it answered within minutes.

The car? This one is intriguing to me. What if I walked everywhere for forty days? To church, to friends houses, to get groceries. Wait a second... I'm going to Moncton at the beginning of April, and I can't really walk there....

Sex? Well, I guess Hubs would not be impressed with that one.

A lot of people say coffee, but I don't drink coffee... Tea? Naw, too simple. Chocolate? I love chocolate. But, no, that's not good enough. I've given it up for my Insanity challenge, so it's no longer a sacrifice. It has to be more meaningful that tea or chocolate.

I keep thinking, but I just can't seem to think of something good. Forty days is long enough to actually change my lifestyle. I know this from committing to Insanity. So, what do I have to give up to become a better person?

The things that top my list of things I don't like about myself and about my life are my lack of Bible reading and prayer time, my lack of discernment when God is speaking to me, and the distance that is often felt between Hubs and myself. And when I think about the biggest distractions that are actively keeping me from making these things better, I know the two things that I'm giving up for Lent. I bet you know it without me even saying it.

Facebook. Twitter.

I'm not much of a twitter girl, but I know that if I give up facebook, I'll substitute it with twitter. And that's not really denying myself something, is it? I'm not going to deactivate any accounts, I'm simply not going to sign in. I'm sure it will challenge my self-control!

I am going to keep blogging. And I hope you'll check me out once in awhile to see if I've posted since I won't be on facebook or twitter to announce to everyone that I have. I'll be checking my email, so if you want to talk to me, you can send me a message at singh.carrie@gmail.com.

This is actually very intimidating for me. How do I give something up cold turkey that I participate in a dozen times a day? What do I fill my day with?

Oh, right. Bible reading. Prayer. Minimizing the distance between Hubs and myself.

Tough? Yes. Worth it? We'll see!

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #7

2011-02-24T16:42:00.001-04:00

Ok, my butt is kicked back into gear. Thank you all for the motivating comments!
According to a friend's husband, it is a great thing to 'shock' your body with junk once in awhile to get it to jump into overdrive while you're eating healthy and working out...

I admit it, I thought he was crazy. But...

I think it may have worked. I had such a good week that I actually won the challenge and pocketed $15 extra dollars. Although, I may have to attribute my success to my newfound dedication more than the binge.

I got rid of the junk in my home. There was no way that I could avoid it so I had to get rid of it. Company came over and cleaned off the cake. Hubby sacrificially finished the frozen yogurt. I gave the cookies from the gift basket to the kids, but when I tried to give the chocolates to them, they ate a couple and passed the box back to me saying that they were afraid that they were going to get sick. See, that right there is proof that I'm a good, healthy mommy. Even if it's not proof, I'm pretending that it is for the sake of my ever-growing self-confidence.

I find that it's getting harder to take my measurements. My body is changing, so the largest part of my thighs is no longer where it used to be. I'm having the same problem with my hips. It's hard for me to remember approximately where I began these measurements before this madness started so I'm not always sure how accurate the measurements are. Should I change my measuring spots to my now biggest part or should I continue to measure in the same spot I was measuring before? If anyone has a clue or an opinion, I'll gladly take it!

Here are my results: (I have finally lost more weight than I have left to lose. Now, that's a good feeling).

Weight: 151.7lbs (-2.8lbs this week/-15.2 lbs overall

BMI: 23.9

Chest: 36.25" (-0.75"/-5.25")

Waist: 29.5" (-0.25"/-4.5")

Hips: 39.25" (-0.25"/-3.25")

Left Upper Arm: 10.5" (0.-0.5")

Right Upper Arm: 10.75" (0/-0.75")

Left Thigh: 21.0" (0/-2.5")

Right Thigh: 21.0" (0/-3.5")

Total: 168.25" (-1.75"/-21.75")

Belly Button Bonus: 34.75" (-0.5"/-7.25"!)

Meet Remy. He's a Caterpillar Leopard Dog and at 9 weeks of age, he weighs 15.2 lbs. I took this image from this blog because he weighs exactly the same as what I've lost. My friend Kory sent me a pic of a 13lb trout last week to show me just how much weight I've actually lost. I loved the visual and thought it'd be nice to have a visual each week. When I look at the puppy, I'm reminded that 15.2lbs is a pretty big deal!

This is the first time in my life that I have actually worked at losing weight. And I can honestly say that it is hard work! I want the results immediately and when you have 27 more pounds of fat on your body than you used to, it is really tough to get rid of. I have newfound appreciation for men and women who get their butt in gear and lose, 20, 30, 50, 100+ pounds. Those who have made these accomplishments and changed their health, their bodies - their lives really - I will forever have a new respect for. Especially those who do it through diet and exercise only.

I have 5 1/2 weeks and 11.7lbs to go. Bring it.

The Pants

2011-02-22T10:10:00.002-04:00

Hubby and I had the privilege of going to a Love and Respect marriage conference this weekend. It was incredibly Biblically sound and extremely motivating. It put some of the many things Hubby and I have been feeling and attempting to work on not only into words, but into a positive and practical spin. The conference and materials were created and presented by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs (via DVD) and if you ever have the opportunity, it is well worth the investment.

On Sunday, the last day of this conference, Hubby and I were packing up the kids and getting ready to go. He told me he had to go to his office to grab something, turned and left. Seconds later, I remembered something that I needed to tell him before he took off, so I turned around and called out his name. I didn't know it, but he had stopped just a foot and a half shy of me and was in conversation with a couple of people. I apologized and turned to go back to getting coats and boots for the kiddos. At that moment, someone had (perhaps jokingly) called out "Respect your husband, Carrie!" Instantly, I went on the defence. Partially because I can't stand it when people assume they know what's going on and tell you what you should be doing. Partially because not respecting my husband is not something I want to be known for. The following thirty second conversation was enough to get me in so much of a tizzy that I wasn't pleased with my response, but nonetheless, I sometimes think that people need to back off. This guy proceeded to make the statement that I wear the pants in my home. In that moment, I felt that this was one such instance.

There is a good chance that Mr. Anonymous may be reading this post and if so, I want to clarify before I go any further that I am not concerned with the comment and I am writing simply to express my reflections on the situation.

I know that I am often loud, opinionated and sometimes a lot for certain people to handle. Hubby, because he loves me, calls me a 'strong woman.' Because he knows me, he sees me in my weakest states and recognizes my need for him to be stronger than I am. So, when it was expressed that someone thinks that I wear the pants, it saddened me. And not only because I don't want to be viewed as an ogre, but because I don't want my spouse to be viewed as a pushover.

I had the chance to be with guys that would bend over backwards to give me whatever it was that I wanted. I didn't want a guy like that. I wanted a man who would argue his point and put his foot down on certain issues that he felt were too dangerous, ridiculous, or whatever. I wanted a man who would put my best interests ahead of the things that I wanted. And this is what I found when I met Hubby. I met someone who has proved and I believe will continue to prove his love for me by providing for, protecting and supporting me.

So, when told that I wear the pants in my home, it pierced my heart deeply because it shows that the love of my life is not always perceived as the strong and wonderful man that he is.

Don't misunderstand me. It is not that I am the wife that does anything and everything that Hubs says at any given time. As I said earlier, I am loud and opinionated, so when I want something and Hubby disagrees, we fight hard. Just because I want a man who puts his foot down does not mean that I like it in the moment. But this is why I appreciate him so much: He listens to my point of view. If my view changes his mind, he is the first to step back and say, "Okay. I'm with you." He's not too prideful to change his mind. But if he still disagrees, he will not budge and at the end of the day, I'm with him because I will never do something he is not okay with (and he's generally a pretty wise cookie which makes it tough to argue my often ignorant and emotionally based opinions!).

But he never tries to make me feel stupid. He doesn't hold himself above me in a way that makes me feel inadequate. I know this because he recognizes my strengths and gives me the freedom in our home to practice and grow in these areas. One such area is our finances. In a place where 'stuff' is more important than being debt free, the urge to overspend and keep up with the Jones' is often overwhelming. But I am actually passionate about getting out of debt and becoming financially free so that I can enjoy vacations with my family and prepare for retirement. My father-in-law is the financial architect (thefinancialarchitect.ca) and he has motivated me to help our family become financially free. Hubby saw in me the discipline and ability to be able to get our family into this freedom and has passed our home's money over to me to be managed. In the beginning, I could tell that this was tough for him. It is my perception that money stuff is generally handled by the breadwinner - who is Hubs in this case - so for him to work his tail off to make the money and then pass it over to someone else to manage can be a very difficult thing. Yet, he did it. He ignores the disapproving comments by other breadwinning men and allows me to do it.

I was given this honor and duty last February. Now, twelve months later, we have a $1000 emergency fund, over $4000 was paid off of our credit cards (allowing them to be cancelled!), $4302 came off the principle of my student loan and we paid off our $6500 van loan in eight months. But more than this, my sense of financial purpose quadrupled in size. Before, I was simply a dependent. A burden. Another child. Now, I have a sense of pride. It is his job to make the money. It is mine to make sure it goes as far as it can. And I wouldn't have this if Hubby didn't recognize my strength in it.

More than this, he comes home after working days and immediately begins to play with the kids, tidy the things I didn't get to and helps with anything I need help with. He doesn't complain or throw a fit. He just helps. He doesn't view his workday as more important than my day at home. He doesn't devalue my efforts. He encourages outings with my friends, if it means my leaving the three kids with him for a couple of hours or a couple of days.

He is my greatest supporter, encourager, friend, and confidant. He knows how to wear the pants without making me feel belittled. He cares more about me than others' perception of us. He chooses to love me despite the circumstance. He is an amazing man and I am proud that he is mine.

Maybe to some, I will be viewed as the one who wears the pants in my home. It may be because I'm loud and opinionated. It may be because they think I make too many decisions. But in the words of my Hubby, "It doesn't matter what people think. We make a great team and that's all that matters."

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #6

2011-02-19T17:13:00.002-04:00

I hate this. I quit.

This week was SO hard! I wasn't making disciplined decisions at all! I skipped workouts because I was too tired and I wanted to munch on unhealthy things all the time. On Valentine's Day, we ordered Thai takeout and got a quarter of a chocolate lover's cake from Sobeys. Plus Hubs got me a bag of Werther's candy.

Only 20 calories a candy, he said like I would be impressed. I just see it as more temptation.

I controlled myself that night, but it didn't take long for me to want more... more... MORE! My munchies were so bad that on Wednesday night, Hubs made chip dip and I brought home chips, peanut butter m&m's, chocolate brownie cheesecake, coke and chocolate milk. And I ate so much.

My reasoning behind the binge was that I would eat so much that I would feel sick to my stomach and it would eliminate my desire to eat junk.

It didn't work.

That night, I thought it did, but it didn't. I thought that I was at the place where I could bring treats into my home and enjoy a controlled taste once in awhile.

I can't.

Simply because it is there, I want to eat it. All of the time. My neighbour left for vacation and brought over a tub of fudge brownie frozen yogurt. I bought a dark chocolate bar to enjoy occasionally. Yesterday we won a gift basket full of cookies and chocolate. We threw out our leftover binge chips and dip and gave the leftover binge m&m's to Goose and Stinker, but 2/3 of that binge cheesecake is still in the freezer. And now I recognize that I still do not have the willpower to say no to junk food and I must keep it out of the house.

Somehow, despite all of my poor choices, I miraculously lost a half of a pound this past week.

Weight: 154.5lb (-0.5lbs this week/-12.5lbs overall)

BMI: 24.4

Chest: 37.5" (0/-4.5")

Waist: 29.75" (0/-4.25")

Hips: 39.5" (-1.25"/-3.5", awesome (: )

Left Upper Arm: 10.5" (0/-0.5")

Right Upper Arm: 10.75" (-0.25"/-0.75")

Left Thigh: 21.0" (-0.25"/-2.5")

Right Thigh: 21.0" (-0.25"/ -3.5")

Total: 170 (-2.0"/-20")

Belly Button Bonus: 35.25" (-0.5"/-6.75")

I obviously haven't messed everything up with my overeating and lack of exercise this week, but if I don't grab the reigns and get back in control asap, this challenge will have been a waste of my time. So, now, I need to make a choice: Do I throw it all into the garbage (which is a waste of our precious money) or eat it all tonight (which is a waste of all my hard work)? Both things are so difficult for me! I'm cheap and I want to be skinny.

But I know if it stays in the house, I will not stop eating it everyday.

On day 45, today, HALF WAY, I need to refocus. I need motivation. I need encouragement. It may seem lame, but this is why I've chosen to write these posts: I need help! And since that's the case, I guess I can blame all of you for my terrible week... not even one comment on last week's post. Not one.

Sheesh. Some help you all are...

A Grand Love

2011-02-15T19:58:00.005-04:00

Sometimes the urge to write until there are no words left inside of me is almost unbearable. Emotions, thoughts, doubts, ideas.... they all plague me and eat away at the parts of me that hold my lifeblood - my heart, my mind, my soul. And the only way to protect these things is to write. Yet, as often as I've sat down to write recently, feeling that there is a river of these things that need to come out, I am always astonished. Because as I sit, and write, I realize there are no words there. Empty. Void. Hollow.

Frustrated.

You see, in the time that I have started this journey inside myself, I have found a lot of things: Some are ugly. Others are beautiful. Some make me proud. Others make me cry.

It has been a journey of sorts that has unnecessarily caused pain. Sometimes to myself. Sometimes to others. During these times, I wonder why I spend my time posting my thoughts for all to see. When did a personal diary with lock and key become insufficient?

It has also been a journey that has sparked hope and celebration. It is during these times that I am proud and pleased to have this little corner of the world wide web to pour my heart out into.

On a day like today, however, I feel the overwhelming weight of uncertain events that have taken place since I began this journey: Family failings, marital unfaithfulness, loss of infant life in the womb, inability to conceive, financial hardships, sickness and hospitalization, sudden and shocking death as well as drawn out and painful death.
Blows that I have felt during the last several months have been overwhelming at times. But when I think of these things, I realize how few of them have actually targeted me. I have been blessed with safety, provision, and peace within my home. Yet, I feel pain, sorrow, and grief just the same. And if I feel the pain of those I love, how much more does God?
As I write, I become acutely aware of His workings in my life. His shaping of me. His purposes for me. I am honoured as I feel the grandness of God's love.
Because while I don't know why, He has chosen to aim His grand love through me.

And The Winner Is.... Drumroll Please

2011-02-14T10:27:00.001-04:00

...Amber Price!!!!

Congratulations to Amber who won her own personal un-autographed copy of The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Ethridge. That's big stuff right there!

I promise, you (and your Hubby) will not be disappointed.

Please send me a message with your address and I will send it in the mail right away.

Thanks to all who entered. I had a lot of fun with this giveaway and plan to do another sometime soon. Stay tuned!

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh-In #5

2011-02-10T16:39:00.000-04:00

So, I did it. I got back into the routine and did six workouts (although one Insanity workout was substituted with an hour of snow shoveling) this week. But I made the terrible mistake of weighing myself every couple of days and I was up and down like a yo-yo. It was quite intimidating! Happily, I'm down on weigh in day!
I'm enjoying this process. It's winter and at this point of the year, I'm usually feeling very blue and very lonely. Not this year! I feel happy an healthy and I look forward to each day. I want to get out more, play more, move more. I am positive that I feel this way because of my diet and exercise. I feel AWESOME.
Now, if I could only make this stubborn belly chub look as awesome as I feel.
I don't have a computer today and I'm writing this on my phone (miserably time-consuming and difficult!) so here are the facts:

Weight: 155lbs!!! (-1.7 lbs this week/-12 lbs total)
BMI: 24.5
Chest: 37.5" (-1.0"/-4.5", bye, bye girls!)
Waist: 29.75" (0/-4.25")
Hips: 40.75" (-0.25"/-2.25")
Left Upper Arm: 10.5 (0/-0.5")
Right Upper Arm: 11.0 (+0.25"/-0.5")
Left Thigh: 21.25" (+0.75"/-2.0", maybe an error in last week's measurements?)
Right Thigh: 21.25" (0/-3.25")
Total: 172" (0.25"/-18"!!)
Belly Button Bonus: 35.75" (-0.75"/-6.25")

No winning this week (nor last) but I'm feeling confident that I will make my goal and maintain the loss since I've been losing at a fairly steady rate of between 1.5 and 2 lbs a weeks. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

The Sexually Confident Wife - Book Review and Giveaway

2011-02-05T16:03:00.009-04:00

***Give away details below!***
After borrowing a black book with hot pink and white lettering from my dearest friend (thank you, Rachie!) last fall, I was completely enthralled and felt enticed to begin The Marriage Bed series. I was shocked to discover that many of my own misunderstandings and insecurities regarding sex were not something that I alone felt. I wanted to start talking about this sometimes taboo topic so that we all could start (or continue) enjoying sex the way God intended us to. The following is a review of my inspiration, The Sexually Confident Wife (SCW).
Shannon Ethridge wrote this book in hopes of helping and inspiring all wives to "connect with your husband: mind, body, heart and spirit." In light of my upcoming interview with her, I wanted to share with you my thoughts on the book so that you would know why I have pursued the opportunity to pick her brain.
While some of you may know Ethridge as the Christian author of Every Woman's Battle series, I think it would be safe to say that she has and will continue to surprise many of her readers in her approach to the SCW. She does not write exclusively to a Christian audience, yet she mentions her belief in the importance of the marriage bed and the Christian value of abstinence before marriage. She does not avoid any aspect of sexuality and our relationships with our husbands. Rather, she dives right in and tackles tough topics such as sex toys, fantasies, role playing and talking dirty. She also spends time discussing self pleasure, adding a new or an additional partner into your relationship, pornography, oral and anal sex, and public displays of affection. With each, she directs us to think and think hard about what we do and do not allow into our marriage bed. One one hand, we need to remember that some of these things (such as an additional partner) would likely be detrimental to our marriages. But, on the other hand, there are a lot of things that many Christians may disregard as sinful before taking the time to actually think about them. She puts a lot of energy into getting her readers to focus on pair-bonding and ultimately in establishing boundaries that are agreed on by both husband and wife.
I love that in writing this, she never once makes the reader feel like she should be offering her husband more than she wants to. She emphasizes the importance of giving all that you can without giving more than you want to. As important as your husband's needs and wants are, yours are important too and if something makes you uncomfortable, that is ok.
She does, however, challenge the reader to dig deeper into herself to discover why certain things make her uncomfortable or unavailable sexually. She encourages and guides the reader to conquer their hurts form past sexual abuse, to let go of bonds from previous partners, to not hide their sexuality behind guilt, and to overcome body image issues - something we all struggle with. My belief is that, in facing these giants, she hopes to help her readers truly become sexually confident wives, breaking down some of those walls that have been put up between themselves and their husbands.
She also provides much education in how the female body works. She discusses "The Big O" in reference to oxytocin and it's effect and purpose in a woman's arousal and orgasm. Teaching not only what the clitoris and g-spot are, she also shows readers where they are through drawn images. And those aren't the only images you'll find in this book. A dozen images of different sexual positions are included for your adventuresome spirit to try out - or not if that's the boundary you've decided to keep.
The last thing I'd like to mention is Ethridge's encouragement to "pass the baton" of healthy sexuality on to our children - daughters specifically. With tips of how to do this, every reader should feel a little more confident about making sex a healthy and even important thing to discuss with their children.
I have closed this book feeling a little more educated, a little more adventurous, and a lot more confident. I recommend the read to every wife and wife-to-be that I know... and even those I don't know!
I like it so much in fact, that I'm giving a copy away. Would you like to have it?

***I will be drawing a name next Sunday, February 13. If you'd like to be part of the draw, here's how you do it: Tell me your most sexually confident experience to date. KIDDING! As much as I hope you're enjoying a healthy relationship, there are some things I'd rather not know!

There are three ways to enter this giveaway:
1) Become a follower of this blog! With a google account it's super easy and without one, it's still not hard. Anyone can become a follower. There's no magic to the madness.
2) Comment on this post. For each individual comment, I will enter your name once.
3) Follow me on twitter (@carriesingh) and tweet about this giveaway.

That's it! I promise you, you want this book!***

The contest will end on February 13, 2011 at 11:59pm E.S.T.

The winner will be announced on Valentine's Day, February 14, 2011.

You can check out more of Shannon Ethridge's Sexually Confident Wife materials and thoughts at http://www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com and http://www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com/blog/

Conducting the Calendar

2011-02-04T13:16:00.000-04:00

It was my morning to sleep in and while I did, Hubs made himself busy helping out around the house. When he woke me with a hungry baby at 8am, I was more than pleased to be getting up so late in the morning. Things were going smoothly; I was happy to have him home and to be getting stuff done.

Around 10am, he proceeded to tell me that he had taken the liberty of writing his schedule on my calendar. To give you some history, knowing Hubs' schedule weeks in advance is something I've been begging him to tell me for years - literally. And this morning, he finally stepped up to the plate and surpassed my hopes by giving me parts of his schedule months in advance.

However, I immediately saw two problems:

1) He wrote in blue pen ink.

Here's my anal type A personality coming through. I totally have our family calendar color-coded and everything is written in Sharpie permanent markers. Hubby is dark green. Not blue pen ink. And to top it off, it's all written in his messy handwriting. The look of my calendar has been completely changed. It's order has gone to the wind.

2) He wrote stuff that takes place during his work day.

If it falls in his work day, I don't care about it. It doesn't effect me. I don't have to alter my schedule or think about how to incorporate it into my day. So, that stuff never makes it on the calendar.

I'm sure most of you can see a few problems with this. You may want to tell me to take a chill pill, or be less anal or less selfish. But all I saw was the mess in the one place that I think I should be able to create order and sustain it: The calendar.

So, as I grabbed my whiteout and my dark green Sharpie, I began to think about how ridiculous I am. Should I not simply be thankful that he wanted to keep me informed? I started to feel bad (because we all know that I told Hubby not to touch the calendar again), but then I saw some guy's name with a dash and "UPEI" written on Feb 8. I asked Hubby what it was. He told me that he wanted me to remind him about it so that he could go. So, now, I'm his secretary!? (Or receptionist/personal assistant for those who don't like the title 'secretary.')

Of course, I reamed him out since he has the iCal, a calendar in his office and his blackberry.

"I'm sorry, but why do I need to remind you of these things? You're a big boy and I certainly have enough on my plate."

I sat at the kitchen table with my whiteout and blotted out the things that didn't effect my life. Then I started thinking of the conversations Hubby and I have been having lately about trying to get on the same page and find some common ground. It seems too easy to go our own separate ways as I parent and he ministers. Somehow the things we do together are not generally things we both enjoy. He's either coming along on my behalf or vice versa.

Blot. Blot. Blot.

In a way, it's kinda similar to my calendar. I've become so absorbed in my own little world that when his world enters mine, it's easier for me to just blot him out. Realistically, it's much less time consuming and basically effortless to blot him out than to give him the *gulp* blue pen and allow him the freedom to enter my life wherever he can.

Blot. Blot.

It's not like I write him out of my life completely. After all, he does have his own color on my calendar. It's just that our time alone together is so limited that when we're finally alone, I have to let go of some of my independence and well, loner-ness and let him take one of the reigns. It's just not easy to do.

Blot.

I do love him and enjoy his company. Sometimes, I just don't know if I know who he is anymore.

Blot.

I guess having this stuff on the calendar might not be terrible. Sure, it doesn't effect me immediately, but it effects who Hubby becomes and that effects who we become as a couple. And if I know what he spends his days doing, we would have more to talk about and I could actually spend some time each day praying for him in regard to how he'll spend his day. Maybe we'd begin to find our common ground.

I grab the blue pen.

"What's that guy's name again, Sweets?"

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #4

2011-02-03T12:39:00.000-04:00

I would consider this past week to be a good example of what one of my "maintenance" weeks to look like in the future. I left for Moncton early on Friday morning and returned on Sunday in time for supper and church. Then I left with Hubs early on Monday morning to spend the day at Circle Square Ranch at the Young Pastor's Retreat. Four days. Three of which I was supposed to do an Insanity work out, but did not. Then it was Tuesday. My favourite Tuesday, actually; The first Tuesday of the month. It is on this Tuesday that I get to leave the house without prepping supper, without putting the kids to bed and just enjoy the company of a friend while we go out for supper and chat about all the things our hearts hold dear. In trying to be healthy, we chose to share a Greek Nacho Platter at Hunter's Ale House. It was light, loaded with veggies, and delicious. It was a great choice. But I couldn't help but wonder how many cals were in those 'baked' nacho chips and all that cheddar and feta cheese.

Remember that train from the previous Insanity post? It still seems to be racing toward the end of the track.

But my friend and I headed back to my place after our feast and continued our date with Shaun T and a power and resistance workout.

By the end of the week, I had put in fifty percent of my workouts - three out of six. And the whole time I was gone, I counted calories (thank you 'lose it' app) and was very aware of what I put into my body despite the constant eating out. I took the stairs everywhere I went and I always took the longest route when walking somewhere. Yes, that is why I'd say it resembles a future maintenance week. I wasn't hardcore, but I still made conscious decisions to be healthy.

Mostly. I did eat two cookies one day and they were really good, so I grabbed two more. Then I felt like I was going to throw up. I'm just not used to the sugar anymore.

My favourite thing this week? I pulled out a couple of old pairs of jeans and rather than getting stuck at my thighs, they slid on up to my waist! Holy cow! Now, we won't put any emphasis on the muffin top sitting along the waistline of these pants, we'll just rejoice in the fact that they no longer get stuck on my thighs.

Speaking of thighs, they are funny things really. They are indeed getting smaller, but at two very different paces. My left leg is visibly smaller than my right... it's kinda odd, but I'm just hoping that they start to equal out as I build some muscles.

More good news came this morning when, despite the lack of three workouts, I still lost weight. So, how about some numbers:

Weight: 156.7lbs (down 1.8lbs this week/10.3lbs total, that's a whole SIZE!)

BMI: 24.7

Chest: 38.5" (0.0" this week/-3.5" overall, and I'll say I surely don't mind that I haven't lost anything in this area for two weeks)

Waist: 29.75" (-0.5"/-4.25", that's right. My *ahem* 29 inch waist was staring me in the face this morning)

Hips: 41.0 (-0.25"/-2.0")

Left Upper Arm: 10.5" (-0.25"/-0.5")

Right Upper Arm: 10.75 (-0.25"/-0.75")

Left Thigh: 20.5 (-0.75"/-2.75")

Right Thigh: 21.25 (-1.0"/-3.25", told you there was a big difference between the two thighs!)

Total Inches: 172.25 (-3.25",-17.75")

And that bonus belly button measurement? 36.5" (-0.25"/-5.5")

Did I win? I don't know yet. I'm still waiting for the numbers from my competitors, but I definitely beat Hubs this week. And I didn't even sabotage him. *Insert evil laugh*

The best part of the whole thing? I keep getting messages from people who have told me that this weight loss challenge has inspired (Yes, 'inspired'. It's no wonder that I've been feeling important these days.) them to do the same. That's pretty sweet. I even introduced my parents, who are generally active anyway, to Jillian Michaels circuit training and they are enjoying the sweat she creates.

While I was away, I was listening to some women speakers talk about how we as women often focus on that 20lbs that we want to lose by complaining about it all the time. Someone who was aware of my constant calorie counting and stair walking during the weekend made a comment to me that indicated that she thought I was obsessed with this stuff. But I think I'm different. I am not complaining that I weigh 167lbs. I am getting off my butt and doing something about it. Four weeks later, I am down ten pounds. My body is getting stronger. As I go, I will be less and less hindered by what I cannot do - with my kids, with my husband, for God - because my body will no longer lack the energy and fitness and can no longer stand in my way and be an excuse for me. So, I put out a challenge. Are you going to sit around and complain about the 'weigh' you are or are you going to get off your butt and do something about it?

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

2011-01-31T07:47:00.000-04:00

Don't eat the gum in your brother's hair.

That's the puking bucket, not the sandcastle bucket.

Stop licking the car.

That's the cat's bum hole.

Yes, you can have syrup on your spaghetti.

Good job! Your butt is clean!

I'm going to throw you out the window.

This is your new pooping underwear. You can poop in it whenever you want.

Don't put rice in your pocket.

You shouldn't lick candy that's in someone else's mouth.

Take my underwear off of your head.

That's a bra, not a hat.

Poko pivity pop.

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #3

2011-01-27T17:23:00.003-04:00

It is weigh in day again. After last week, I thought I had this in the bag. I don't mean the competition, but the discipline. I was exercising all but one day a week and when tempted with 'bad' food or wrong times to eat, I was saying a resounding no with each bite I didn't take and each movement my body made.

Then something went wrong.

I think my sense of accomplishment after winning last week encouraged slacking. I didn't notice it in this challenge at first. No, I first noticed the difference in my household chores. I took a day off last Thursday to celebrate my win - I did few chores, a recovery work out and I read a few chapters in a book. But on Friday, I wanted another day off... And Saturday. And so on. Laundry was multiplying exponentially in the hallways and bedrooms.

Then we were invited out to East Side Mario's on Sunday night after church. I did my workout with a couple of friends and then headed to East Side's. Prior to the workout, I wasn't going to eat anything while we were out, but I failed. Half price appys. Budda Boom Budda Ching. A hungry belly that hadn't eaten since 4:30. I deliberately chose to eat something. Picking the bruschetta (what I thought would be the most healthy option), I chowed down and added in the calories: 370. Not too bad for eating out late at night. I didn't feel awful. I felt 'real life' ok.

But I think it awakened me to eating outside of my five small meals a day cycle. I have had the munchies since then. Seriously. I want to eat all of the time. And I did increase my food intake because I was finding I was lacking energy in my workouts (yay for metabolism picking up!) but I've wanted to eat every hour and a half.

I guess I have to practice that discipline some more after all.

Then came the challenge of priorities. Working out six times a week certainly interferes with our normal family routine. And honestly, it's been weighing on Hubby's shoulders. He's trying to be supportive, but I can tell that on occasion, he just wishes I'd throw the whole thing to the crapper. So, on Tuesday evening, I chose to be a good wife. I nixed the workout and did Hubs' favourite thing with him; We watched TV. We actually watched Food, INC., a movie I think everyone should watch. It's very eye-opening to where our food comes from and how it's made. It's not what you think!

Ok, so a workout sacrificed. No biggie. He's worth it.

Then came Wednesday. After babysitting, I took Goose to Kidztown at our church and dropped into The Children's Place because they have a killer sale on. $100 of the kids' Christmas money later, we have next year's snowsuits, hats, mitts, pj's, sweaters, jeans, boots - even belts and watches. I got home just in time to meet Goose at the door, got him to bed and, well, it was American Idol night. And I'm slightly in love with Jennifer Lopez, so it's been the show I've been choosing to watch. As you can already tell, I skipped that workout too.

Gulp. This train is picking up speed and I'm pretty sure the track ends just ahead...

Ok, breathe. A challenge is great. Losing weight is awesome. I'm getting healthier. I'm not giving up. This is simply real life. It will all be ok.

I was a little nervous getting on the scale today. I didn't think that I was going to be up or anything. Even with the week's little bumps, I've still changed my lifestyle. I still worked out four times. I still ate better than I used to. So, what was the verdict?

Down 2.2lbs.

Yup, I smiled. Slowly and surely is the only way I want to do this, so I think I'm right on track.

Weight: 158.5 (down 8.7 lbs total)

BMI: 25.0 (top of the healthy BMI range!)

Body Fat: Forget it. I have no idea how to do this properly.

Chest: 38.5" (-0.0" this week/-3.5" overall)

Waist: 30.25" (-0.0"/3.75")

Hips: 41.25" (-0.5"/-1.75")

Left Upper Arm: 10.75" (-0.0"/-0.25")

Right Upper Arm: 11.0" (-0.25"/-0.5")

Left Thigh: 21.5" (-0.75"/-2.0")

Right Thigh: 22.25" (-0.5"/-2.25")

Total Inches: 175.5" (-2.5"/-14.5")

The one place where I'm still struggling to lose the weight is the belly (of course). But I've been quietly keeping measurements around my lower abdomen in line with my belly button and it started at 42" and is now 36.75". That's a difference of 5.25"! So, it's working. I've gotta keep going.

Did I win this week? Nope. Hubs did. Without the Insanity program. He played basketball a couple of times this week and continued to eat well. And he won the challenge. As I pass over my $5, I think of how I can ~~sabotage~~ congratulate him. He did a great job this week!

I'm 25% of the way through this challenge and I can feel the momentum slowing down. I really want a massive bowl of ice cream. Maybe I'll treat myself halfway...

Reminders

2011-01-26T08:24:00.000-04:00

Everyday, in every room, at any given moment, there are reminders that tell me that I have the best job in the world.

They are the parkas and toques chucked into my papasan chair.

They are the crumbs underneath my kitchen table.

They are the plastic suppertime dishes thrown on top of clean pots.

They are the hand towels strewn haphazardly on the towel rack.

They are the wet toys waiting in the tub.

They are the toothpaste stains in the sink.

They are the balled up socks under the couch.

They are unlaundered clothes in a pile on the floor.

They are movie cases with long lost movies.

They are fingerprint maps along the walls.

They are broken crayons under the desk.

They are books with missing pages.

They are candy wrappers in pants pockets.

They are soured milk in forgotten cups.

They are ornaments with missing heads.

They are hugs.

They are kisses.

They are three little words.

I have the best job in the world.

And the wage is pure love.

The Marriage Bed: Being Green Ain't Easy

2011-01-25T07:26:00.001-04:00

Oh, the glorious days of Camp Evangeline!

If you've been, you know what I mean. If not, let me explain: Camp is a magical place.... err... let me try again... Camp is an interesting place. It's a Christian camp, so when you go, you're exposed to many "Christian" practices such as services, prayer and devotional times and you're expected to attend. I began going to camp at the age of twelve and I loved it from the start. I had a hunger for spiritual things, but this is not the route I plan to take with this post.

While at camp, I was able to practice being who I am without the influence of my parents. So, I didn't shower all week. Fortunately, no one noticed since they all stunk too. I changed my clothes three times a day to try to fit in with the days events: games, church, free time. Oh, and flirting time. This was a new thing for me. I flirted with boys and they flirted back.

I loved - no, I adored - the attention I received from the opposite sex at camp. At first, I felt like I was gaining their attention because of who I was. It was great because I was just being me and I was getting noticed for it - talk about an ego booster! However, it wasn't just an ego booster. It created peer pressure too.

I can remember walking up to First Hole (the camp's crappy, rocky, eel infested swimming hole that was only three feet deep at it's deepest point) with two boys and another girl one evening. One of the boys and the girl were a couple - for the week anyway - and the other boy was someone who seemed "interested" in me. So, we start this journey to first hole and all of a sudden I feel this boy slide his hand into mine.

My initial reaction? An internal 'Holy cow! It's not just in my head! He really does like me!!'

I was completely flattered and excited and nervous and overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed.

We arrived at First Hole and the other 'couple' disappeared into the bushes along the water to make out. All of a sudden I was alone with this boy. We sat down on a rock and I nervously looked over toward the other couple. This boy puts his arm around me to 'keep me warm.' My insides are doing flip flops and the adrenaline rushing through my body is starting to make my body shiver.
I'm skipping church for this.
I make the mistake of saying, "I'm cold." He holds me closer.

Oh, geez. I'm starting to freak inside. Is he going to kiss me? Another nervous glance at the other couple. I'm still shivering. I'm kinda praying. In one way I want this boy to kiss me. After all, I want to know that he likes me. In another way, I'm petrified. Who is this guy???? Do I even like him???

A few seconds of small talk. Then he asks me, "Are you green?"

Am I green? Am I green? What the heck is he talking about? Last I checked I was white... Green, green, green... I have no idea what he's talking about. That probably means that I am. Of course I'm green! I live on green PEI, you know, Green Gables... Anne... so, I must be green. Am I green? Thinking, thinking... Shoot. I have no idea. But, wait. It sounds like he doesn't want me to be green...

So, I answer him. "Pfft! No..."

And I hold my breath.

Holding.

My brain is screaming at him, "Say something!!!"

He looks at me. "So have you kissed someone before?"

I think back to the one and only kiss I've ever experienced: Half on my lips. Half off. One eighth of a second long. Someone else watching. So not like what I read about in "Karen Kepplewhite is the World's Best Kisser."

I'm afraid to look at him in case his lips should jump off of his face and land on mine, but I answer, "yeah" like he's an idiot for asking such a question. I mean, obviously I've kissed someone before. But hang on a second... what does this have to do with 'green'?

I think my adrenaline must have been going into overdrive because my teeth started chattering. Oh, me nerves (that's my shout out to my newfie friends)! What am I doing here? How did I get into this situation?

I'm still playing the internal game of I want you to kiss me/ I don't want you to kiss me.

A short distance away I hear rustling. Another nervous glance at the other couple. What are they doing over there?

Gulp.

Suddenly, a light begins to shine through the bushes. I look in that direction and hear a voice. A 'man's' (older boy's) voice. It's a counsellor. He's come to search for kids making out in the bushes. I'm embarrassed because he thinks that I was making out with this guy. I'm disappointed because I wasn't. And I'm relieved because I wasn't.

The moment is over and we scurry back to the service.
He's not holding my hand anymore.

I go to bed that night thinking of all the possible ways the evening could have turned out. I romanticize the whole thing and find myself wishing it had turned out in the perfect way my head could imagine. I think, "Maybe tomorrow..."

I wake up and go to find my friends for breakfast (skipping the shower yet again...). I ask them what "green" means and realize that he wanted to know if he was going to get "any" from me. At that moment, I see this boy and there's someone else flirting with him today. He doesn't even look my way.

This was the beginning of a new journey for me - a green journey where the camp boys, school boys, church boys.... all boys... would flirt with me and then take off with someone else since I wouldn't put out.

It kinda left this strange sting that seemed to bite every time I was rejected by a guy since I was "green." I went from feeling the amazing sense of confidence and enjoyment of the attention a boy could give to feeling bitter and insecure because what I offered was not enough. Ultimately, I grew to believe that the only thing a guy wanted was capital 's', capital 'e', capital 'x' (In case you're having an off day, that spells 'SEX.')
Since I wasn't putting out, I always felt inadequate. I got tired of being the boys' "friend." Being green wasn't easy since it made me feel completely unwanted by the opposite sex.
When I started dating, one thing led to another and I made conscious decisions to allow my "green" hills and pastures to be explored a little bit. I grew to be a certain tease and enjoyed the anticipation I could accomplish and the attention I could attain. But it awakened something inside of me that was supposed to remain sleeping.... "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Solomon's beloved warns women (the daughters of Jerusalem) THREE times about this (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Something had been awakened in her that created such a strong desire that she knew of it's dangers and ability to overtake her. She loved Solomon. She longed for him. And then she warns other women to wait. Wait for the one who will share your soul and not just your body. Wait for the one who will inquire about the things in your mind and not just the things under your clothes. Wait. Because once 'love' has been aroused or awakened, it is nearly impossible to shut it off.
While I had begun flirting with certain sexual things prior to marriage (and not with my now spouse), awakening something that I was not yet ready for, I wasn't drawn to these things because of their physical and sexual qualities. I was drawn to them because of the attention and desire I felt I could create in another. It was completely unhealthy and I am full of regret and disappointment in myself for my choices.
It wasn't until I began pastoring in youth ministry and I was having a conversation with a young lady regarding her relationships with the opposite sex that I really became aware of the awakened desire for the physical aspects of sexual things. I can remember telling her the cliche thing that I had always heard: She didn't need to give her body to have the attention of another. Her response took me off guard.
"It just feels so good."
Well, duh. Had I really been living in such a bubble that I wasn't aware that young ladies (and men) struggled with sex because it felt good? Once that door is open, shutting it is like escaping from a hostage situation. The door is heavy. There are a lot of locks. There are guards with guns. Getting in is a lot easier that getting out.
Sex can also consume the mind. The desire and drive for it alone can be plenty to cause one to fall asleep dreaming of someone desiring and pleasing him or her. Add experience to that and it can potentially overtake the mind.
Of course Solomon's beloved was warning young women not to jump in too early! It feels good. There are dangers of being used. It consumes the mind.
Now, I know that for many, sex is just something many non-married couples, young or old, consider to be a right of their relationship. But, I really believe that Solomon's beloved had more insight than we give her credit for. She was warning other young ladies because she understood the power of desire and knew that when it was placed into one's hand before she was ready, she would be consumed and make unwise choices. She was speaking from experience and wanted the best for those whom she charged. She didn't want to see others waste the desire on someone who didn't truly love them but keep it for someone who devoured them mind, body and soul each time they were together. She had that. She knew it was good.
So, why have I spent all of this time talking about abstinence prior to marriage? Because I really believe that waiting creates a stronger bond and sense of passion between a man and a wife. There is no history. No past experiences to 'get over.' No jealousy. No doubt. It's just him and her from beginning to end.
I don't write because sex. is. bad. Quite the contrary. I write because sex. is. good. And I want you to enjoy it in its most fulfilling form.
I must also say that I don't think those who have explored pastures that weren't theirs to keep in their youth or otherwise cannot get over those past experiences and have a wonderfully healthy and good sex life with their spouse. But it will likely take time and cause some speed bumps along the way. Some couples may be able to move beyond the past quickly while others may celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, still holding onto some baggage. I believe it's up to you. What choices will you make?

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #2

2011-01-20T16:06:00.000-04:00

Day 15. Weigh In #2.

Earlier in the week, I was frustrated with the fact that I'm working my butt off without really working my butt off. I want this. I really, really want this. I'm tired of feeling frumpy in my clothes and feeling unattractive to my husband. It doesn't seem to matter what others say, the bottom line is that I am not happy with the way I look and that is a hinderance to so many other things. Thus, this challenge is my way of doing what I need to do to get comfortable in my own skin so that I can be a happier, healthier, more confidant human being.

I found this week a bit more of a challenge. You see, I'm not just trying to lose weight. I'm trying to change my lifestyle. And when real life shows up in the middle of losing weight, you are tested to see whether or not you're really going to be able to do this.

Hubs and I had a date on Friday night and we went to Churchill Arms on recommendation of an old schoolmate. Literally everything looked appetizing and delicious and I had a very difficult time ordering. I ended up with some haddock, veggies and house chips. Yup, I did it. I got the fries. But I took off a third of them before I even got started and then went at it. It wasn't necessarily the best choice I could have made in the middle of a weight loss challenge, but it was real life and I'm proud of not eating everything that was served to me and of not getting an appetizer... nor a dessert... nor a drink. We don't get out as often as we should so when we do, we seem to overindulge. But I learned that a good date requires only the company of my hubby and not the abundance of food (although a little good food still adds some flare!).

I'm also part of a mom's group and we had a get-together on Saturday night. It didn't start until 8pm and everyone was required to bring something delish to eat. The challenge here was that I've cut out eating after 8. There were chunks of pepperoni and cheese, mini pitas and breads with hummus, fruit trays, veggie trays, cake and more. One of the ladies brought a chocolate chip cream cheese ball complete with oreo wafers and graham crackers. I could feel my mouth salivate. But I did not have one bite. Not one. Again, I was proud of myself, but while I plan to make not eating after 8 a part of my new lifestyle, I think events like that are necessary to indulge in when you don't have money riding on it!

In regard to exercising, I've found my body hasn't been hurting. I thought that I would be in pain for a month with all of this crazy exercising but, with the exception of the first two days, I haven't been hurting at all. I feel tighter and stronger, but no pain. I asked experienced exercisers about this and they told me that it was normal since my body was just getting used to having exercise as part of it's routine, but I wasn't convinced. So, one night, I pushed harder during the workout than every before.

I threw up in my mouth.

I think I've been working hard enough.

Now, on to the results. I hopped on the scale this morning and grabbed my measuring tape and I was pleased with the results before knowing anything about my competitors and their week's results.

Weight: 160.7 lbs (Yup, I'm down 4.4 lbs this week/6.2 lbs total!)

BMI: 25.22

Body Fat: 24.4% (I still don't know if I'm doing this right)

Chest: 38.5" (-1.25" this week/-3.5" overall)

Waist: 30.25"(-2.5"/-3.75")

Hips: 41.75" (-0.75"/-1.25")

Left Upper Arm: 10.75" (-0.25"/-0.25")

Right Upper Arm: 11.25" (-0.25"/-0.25")

Left Thigh: 22.75" (-0.5"/-1.25")

Right Thigh: 22.75" (-0.75"/-1.75")

Total Inches: 178" (-6.25"/-12.0")

And here's the best part. I won this week! I won only by a measly 0.09%, but I've got an extra $15 coming my way and I quite look forward to that!

No, I change my mind. That's not the best part. The best part is actually that I am starting to see my body change. It's hard work. It's intense sometimes. It's frustrating to be skipping the chocolate chip cream cheese balls at social functions. But I know I am going to reach my goal and I am going to be so proud of myself. And I am really going to change my life. In fact, I think it's already changing. For example, I treated myself to a single Hershey's kiss today. It was a yummy treat and I enjoyed it. Two weeks ago, I would have treated myself to the whole bag... and then complained about being chubby.

You know, I'm started to wonder why I didn't do this a long time ago. I feel great.

The Powder in the Can

2011-01-15T10:09:00.008-04:00

I flushed my meds today. I haven't taken them since January of last year because I didn't want to be on anti-depressants while pregnant. Yet, for some reason, the little bottle stayed on my kitchen windowsill until this morning. Maybe I left them there 'just in case.' Maybe it was a visual sign of the fact that I no longer needed to take them. Maybe I full out expected that once my little Monkey was born, I'd be needing to start popping back the happy pills just to ensure I'd be a decent mom.

Whatever the reason - and it was probably a variety of all kinds of reasons bundled together - I held on to the meds for a full year. But today, I decided to stop waiting for the depression to come back.

Taking the bottle off the windowsill, I shook it. I opened it. I looked inside at the remaining dozen or so little white pills. Happy pills. Help-me-function pills. Internally, I resolved that it was time to flush them. Time to de-clutter. To get rid of stuff that takes up space in my already overfull house.

Placing the cover back over the opening without actually closing it, I carried the bottle toward the bathroom. Stopping just short of the bathroom door, I opened first the linen closet and then the Rubbermaid container that stores our family pharmacy. Three more bottles of happy pills were in that container. Taking them out of the box, I took all four bottles into the bathroom, removed their lids and those little cotton balls, and placed them on the vanity. One bottle at a time, I dumped the pills into the toilet. At least a hundred little white bumps created an underwater mini-mountain. I flushed once. The mountain disappeared. Closing the toilet lid and throwing the bottles into the garbage can, I left the bathroom.

Sixty minutes later, Stinker declared that she had to go poop (still one of my favourite things to hear). Taking her upstairs, I lifted the lid to the toilet and saw something I wasn't expecting. Residue. A small amount or powder in the bottom of the toilet. Powder in the can.

It almost taunted me. Like I had made a mistake, it was telling me that I was going to regret disposing those happy pills. How was I going to function? What if I jumped the gun?

Anxiety knocked on my internal door. Should I answer it?

I flushed again and put Stinker on the toilet to do her business.

I don't have time for extra company today.

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #1

2011-01-13T16:38:00.000-04:00

This morning marked the moment of truth.... would I be pleased? Disappointed? Motivated? Ready to pay my fellow challengers my losing cash up front, quit, and dig into the tub of heavenly hash ice cream that is taunting me from the freezer?

I turned on the wii and started up wii fit to have the moment of truth. (Yes, my scale is indeed wii fit). Purposefully, I placed first my right foot, then my left. I closed my eyes and sent up a prayer while the annoying computer voice repeated, "measuring."

'Please, just let it be less than a week ago. A pound. Please. Just a pound.'

I haven't missed one day of this crazy workout regime and I've been trying to push myself a little harder everyday. I haven't eaten anything I shouldn't and I've kept the calories as minimal as possible.

Finally, the long awaited "All done" was said and I tried to click through the ridiculous centre of balance info that I couldn't care less about.

There I was, a skinny mii as the bar was at the bottom of the scale. The bar began to rise and much to my dismay, the mii stuck out it's belly and the computer made the disapproving "da, da, da" chant and proclaimed, "That's overweight!"

Gee, thanks.

But another quick glance and, wait a second. I've lost 1.8 lbs. Well, that's something.

Hubby hopped on and he was down 3.5 lbs. We did the math and discovered that I'd lost 1.2% of my weight and he'd lost 1.6%. Instantly, I lost this week's challenge and I will be paying $5 to the winner. A few texts were exchanged with the other couple and I was flabbergasted. They each lost 5.5lbs - 2.5% and 3% of their body weights. Immediately, I started to make excuses for myself.

I have the least to lose.

I'm still nursing the baby.

I'm a girl.

Nonetheless, I lose. Boo.

Grabbing the measuring tape, I started to find some sense of pride. Inches lost! Sweet! Although I wonder if I screwed up my original measurements since it seems I've lost more in inches in a week than I think I should have... Nonetheless, I'll just take them as they are and say that I did a good job!

One week down. Eleven to go.

I start to think about the things I hate about this:

1) My body hurts. After the first day, I couldn't even stand up straight. My legs wouldn't straighten as my calves were so ridiculously tight and sore.

2) My body hurts and I just lost $5.

3) My body hurts and t's time consuming. I don't even have time to blog or to spend with Hubs. Between preparing healthy, low-cal, high volume food and doing 40 minute workouts, my whole day seems consumed with this. This coming week I'm going to try to do a lot of meal prep in one day to save some time.

Then there are the things I like about this:

1) I feel stronger.

2) My lungs aren't burning and I'm not coughing like I was. My insides must be getting stronger too.

3) I lost weight and inches. I haven't lost weight since Monkey was born, so as measly as it may seem, I lost 1.8lbs!

I'm sure you're all curious, so here are the results. If you need to compare, you can find last weeks numbers here.

Weight: 165.1 lbs

BMI: 25.92

Body Fat: 25.3% (that's 1.8%.... not sure if it's right, but I'll take it!)

Chest: 39.75" (of course this is where I lost the most... -2.25")

Waist: 32.75" (-1.25")

Hips: 42.5" (-0.5")

Left Upper Arm: 11" (same)

Right Upper Arm: 11.5"(same)

Left Thigh: 23.25" (-0.75")

Right Thigh: 23.5" (-1.0")

Total Inches: 184.25 (-5.75")

That's progress right!? And if I can do it, you can do it.

But, I still need you to tell me that I can do it. That ice cream is calling my name...

Stinker's Potty Training: The Grande Finale, The Potty Party

2011-01-08T22:39:00.000-04:00

Tonight marked a very joyous and celebratory evening. It was just our sweet little family, but we had a party. A potty party to be exact. Stinker, with all of her hard work, has been completely accident free, day and night, number ones and number twos, for seventeen days (minus last night when she, her brother and friend were screaming my name and I ignored them to "teach" them to come find me rather than scream at me from another level of the house. How was I to know that my poor little Stinker had to go pee and she couldn't open the door... oops!). But otherwise, seventeen days! Amazing! My girl is fully potty-trained!

So, tonight, I put up balloons, Hubby and I created a poster for the wall and after supper we had a little potty party.

We included an apricot and raisin cupcake (thanks Sherri!) with a sparkle candle, a Barbie as a reward for all of her hard work, a movie with some cuddling and candy to snack on. All in all, I think she got the point: We're so proud of her!

But as I sat down to tell you the story of our celebration, I am struck with something more. Tonight's party with the pride and fun that made it happen was what I consider parenting to be all about. Hubby and I were able to successfully teach our daughter how to use a toilet and she now has the independence to do it on her own. Perhaps I'm the only one who will feel this, but that is amazing! Me, a mom, was actually successful in creating a small bit of independence, self-worth and ability in my little girl. Wow.

It certainly seemed like a never ending journey at times, but it was so worth it.

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge; Introduction

2011-01-06T08:26:00.001-04:00

New Year's Resolution numero uno for me is indeed to lose weight. Isn't that what everyone tries to do at the beginning of a new year? I may as well join the party. I've even been inspired with a slogan: New Year, New Rear.

One problem: I'm scared to death.

Hubby and I have entered a 90 day challenge with another couple and we're going to have weekly weigh-ins, cash rewards and hopefully, healthier bodies by the end of it. And as insane as it sounds, we're jumping on the Insanity bandwagon.

At this point, I have no idea how long the workout videos are, but I think the workout is three minutes of intense working out and 30 seconds of a more relaxed pace. And I think it's an everyday thing. I have NO idea how I'm going to do this EVERY day.

I'm afraid this may actually kill me.

But I do appreciate the potential of fitting into some pre-preggo clothing.

Every Thursday we have to weigh-in to see who won the weekly challenge (and the $15!) and April 5th marks the final weigh-in where the person who lost the most over the entire 90 days wins $100. Pretty sweet, eh?

I may be chubby and broke by the end of this.

Why am I dragging you along? Accountability. Encouragement. Inspiration.

Page views.

So, here I am on Thursday, January 6, 2011 at 8am, weighing in 25lbs heavier than my pre-preggo weight - a weight I've only ever been at during the last trimester of my pregnancies. These figures are my starting numbers:

Say one bad word about them and I'll be using you as my example of what Insanity does to a person...

Height: 5' 6.75"

Weight: 166.9 lb
Body Fat: 27.1%
BMI: 26.62

Chest: 42"

Waist: 34"

Hips: 43"

Left Upper Arm: 11"

Right Upper Arm: 11.5"

Left Thigh: 24"

Right Thigh: 24.5"

Total Inches 190"

Now, disclosing this information is actually a huge deal for me and I hate knowing that you all know it, but now that you do, please help me to win this challenge! I need some support. Tell me to put the cookie down and turn the work out on. Don't bring treats to my house and pray that somehow, someway I survive this madness!!!

Stinker's Potty Training: Her Christmas Gift to Me

2011-01-04T08:15:00.000-04:00

I think this has been my favourite Christmas to date. I love having my little family of five and I got some killer presents - the best of which was having my brother, sister-in-law and nephew here for a three-week visit. I've had such a great time with them and I'm quite sad to see them leave this morning. The distance between BC and PEI is just way too big!
Other presents that I received were a handmade apron from Hubby's sister (and one that matches for Stinker!!), a dozen or so pairs of earplugs from Hub's sis' boyfriend (which have changed my life during loud moments with the kids and mornings where I get a chance to sleep in), a luggage set from my parents (we finally have luggage after nearly seven years married), and some cash which I purchased some new clothes, a jewelry box and some make up brushes with. Hubby and I decided not to exchange gifts and it's been great to not add that unneeded expense to our Christmas bill. All in all, I feel like I cleaned up.
I will say that the most unexpected gift I received came from Stinker and it came a couple of days early. It started with a conversation I was having with my mother-in-law (Dadima) about my being at my wits end with Stinker and her potty training. She began to tell me a story about a boy in the daycare she used to work at. During our chat, she used a key phrase that I'd heard several times before, but it finally clicked inside my exhausted brain. She said that Stinker may be pooping in her undies so that she could be in control.

Control. Maybe Stinker wanted to be in control. Maybe she wanted to choose where her poo would go.

So, after receiving new undies for Christmas, I eliminated all manipulation and stopped emphasizing rewards. I began to tell her that she now had a choice: She could poo in her new undies or poo in the toilet. She seemed completely exasperated that I would suggest that she poo in her undies and began to tell me that there was no way that she would be pooing in her new undies.

To be honest, I didn't believe her.

And I was scared to death. I feared that I had opened a door for her to #2 in her undies guilt-free. I would be cleaning poo out of little girl undies for the rest of Stinker's years in my home. She would be heading off to college and I would be handing her the poopy underwear bucket and yellow latex gloves so that she could take over the job of cleaning her nasty undies. For sure, this was going to be the result of my latest effort. Nevertheless, I had to exhaust all possible options.

The first time she told me she had to go poo and I took her to the bathroom, nothing happened. Same as the second and third times. Nothing. And that wasn't all bad since nothing also meant no poo in her undies either. Then came the fourth time. My girl pooed in the toilet.
I was shocked.
Proud.
Pleased.
And not overly hopeful that it would continue.
This first potty poo occured on December 23 and much to my surprise and delight, she hasn't had one poo accident since then. In fact, she is sometimes going to the bathroom to do it all by herself! And while I wasn't emphasizing rewards, she earns herself a juicy piece of chewing gum each time she succeeds.
I received a lot of great presents for Christmas this year, but this one may just top them all. So, Stinker (and Dadima), thank you for the wonderful Christmas gift.

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-03T09:43:00.000-04:00

I can hardly believe that it's 2011. It seems that the older I get, the quicker the years roll past me. That alone can feel disheartening at times, but I've always been someone who enjoys a fresh start and well, that's exactly what a new year is: A fresh start!

I'm not generally one to vocalize my new year's resolutions. That's probably because I'm afraid to fail and I know the reality of my fulfilling my resolutions is slim to none. But not this year! This year, I am going to fulfill the following three resolutions... I hope.

As cliche as it is, I intend to *sigh* lose weight. I seem to have grown incredibly fond of food and calorie-rich beverages over the past year and while others will attribute my heavier frame to baby number three, I know a large 'chunk' of the problem is simple: I eat too much. So, I'm going to kick this weight and drag all of you along with me.

Second, I intend to send birthday and anniversary cards and potentially even presents to my family members as their special day approaches. I always fail miserably at even remembering to call on their special day and I hate that I do that. I want to let them know that they are loved and important to me and this is one of the ways that I will show it. It's January, so that means Uncle Ben's going to receive some Singh love this month.

Last, I want to pay off half of my student loan. We kicked some serious butt on our debt in 2010 and I want to keep it going.

That's it. I have three days less of a whole year to accomplish these goals. I can do it, right? And I'll keep you posted so that if I'm starting to fall off the bandwagon, you can send me a butt-kicking note and get me started again... sound good?

What are your New Year's Resolutions?

Merry Christmas from the Singh Family!

2010-12-23T18:23:00.001-04:00

Although I have declared that I Hate Christmas, I feel it would only be fitting of the holiday season to send some wishes your way. This year, I've been given the opportunity to celebrate with my parents, siblings, in-laws and nephew. And, of course, my Hubby and kids. Bringing three families together can certainly be a chaotic approach to taking part in Christmas festivities, but thankfully, we've yet to experience any Mr. Bean or National Lampoon situations.

All I wanted this Christmas was the sound of children playing in the background and the joy of laughter & love with my family. But today, I received an additional, most surprising gift: Stinker pooped in the toilet! While I'm slightly hesitant to believe that this is her turning point, I would be forever grateful if it is.

I'm sure you're all busy with your Christmas celebrations and I do not want to take that time away from you. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas! I hope that it is a blessed season for you.

What? Your family isn't like this?
Photo Credit: www.facebook.com/abbyphotography

The Marriage Bed: Self Pleasure (Revisited)

2010-12-18T13:02:00.000-04:00

I have received a few comments regarding my post on self pleasure and the following is one of those comments. I think that Mark from All Torqued Up has touched on many things that I couldn't personally touch on and I am thankful to have received his input. Enjoy the read and feel free to partake of the conversation.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

I agree that mtb on its own will not land you in hell fire for eternity. But, like alcohol and food, we'd best look beyond the physical into that which can land us in hellfire: the attitudes and overflows of the heart.

At risk of TMI, for me there's always a mental component to mtb both preceding and during. As a married man, two important questions therefore immediately come to mind:
1) What or who am I thinking about or longing for?
2) Why am I fulfilling my sexual need outside of real intimacy with my wife?

#1 is pretty clear cut. If I'm fantasizing about sex with another woman or three instead of with my wife, then that's clearly wrong and I'm committing adultery. If I'm fantasizing about tantalizing sex with my beloved then I am in the clear on the adultery bit but it leads to the more important q2.

If I'm honest with myself, #2 belies laziness and/or a lack of self-control on my part. Mtb, whether p0rn-enabled or not, is a cheap substitute for the authentic, real, God-intended intimacy with my wife. It gives me the physical release and usually requires only a small portion of the effort it takes to lead my wife to intimacy and sexual fulfillment.

Btw, that's the allure and deception of p0rn and the main reason why men struggle with it: pleasure without effort or investment. "All the gain with no pain." Trouble is, it's a ruse. I am not gaining real strength; my resolve is growing weaker all the time. I am not leading; I am being led... astray. I am pursuing the permissible while ignoring the question of whether or not it's profitable.

As a husband I am called by Christ to lay myself down for my wife, to put her ahead of my desires, to honour her, to cherish and invest in her, and -most of all- to lead her. In light of this, I can't help but view cranking off as a cheap, lazy cop out for refusing to invest effort and forethought and time in romancing my wife, speaking her love languages, testifying to her beauty, honouring her before all and leading her to the marriage bed.

The marriage bed and sexual intimacy with our beloved is God's ideal. It is a high calling, for it is the one that leads to abundant life. He calls us to the marriage bed for good reason, for, as you know, sexual intimacy is about more than just getting off; there's an emotional and spiritual element to it. It seems to me that when we jack off on our own we miss out on the emotional and spiritual component of marriage bed sex, and we delude ourselves if we think we can achieve the same intimacy alone than with our beloved.

Can I think of one area in which mtb is profitable? Yes, and that is if my wife is present and she enjoys the spectacle. Now we're getting kinky! :)

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Can't help but wonder... what do you think?

Plastic Surgery Here I Come! (Updated)

2010-12-15T15:52:00.001-04:00

It's been coming for awhile (you can read about that here), but I had my appointment with the Nip & Tuck Specialist this week. I learned that his name was actually Kontor - not Kuntor. Big difference there. Dr. Jurgon Kontor. Really, going in with only his name and a 3/5 on the ratemds.com website, I didn't know what to expect. What kind of name in Kontor? Is this guy going to be brown? Jewish? Bald? I think it's Swedish, but I really don't know. And for some reason, I keep picturing a brown dude. Maybe that's because I'm partial to brown skin...

Anyway, I was picturing some tall, attractive, middle aged brown man with short, greying hair. Someone in a white doctor's coat. Someone almost annoyingly arrogant because of his position as plastic surgeon. I pictured some sort of cold, elitist location with snobby receptionists and a wait time of 3 hours.

I was close on the wait time. I waited for a bloody hour after my scheduled appointment and I was there ten minutes early. I never make it to my appointments early. Sometimes I barely make it on time, but I'm usually a couple of minutes late. So, while waiting for over an hour, I had some time to take in my surroundings.

The waiting room wasn't cold at all. Decorated in yellows, browns, oranges and reds, it was actually quite warm. And the seating was in a circle. I felt awkward. Usually I'd pick the chair the farthest away from others but I had no choice here. Wherever I sat, I was basically in a face-to-face conversation with the people beside and across from me.

Walking past the seating area, I signed in with the receptionist, who was surprisingly not snotty at all. She was a plain Jane; down to earth and friendly. I could have done her job. Then it hit me. I'm in PEI, not California.

Turning back to the seating area, I scoped out two elderly gentlemen, and elderly woman, a mom with a little girl, a young lady around my age. I sat between the mom with the kid and one of the elderly gentlemen. Smiling, I tried to make myself as small as possible as I sat on display for the others to assume my circumstance. My insides were screaming at them as they nodded my way, "I'm NOT getting a boob job!" Then, I looked at the young, blonde lady across from me. She's so getting a boob job... Crap. I'm such a hypocrite!

I bring out my phone and pull up the facebook app. I've gotta distract myself. The mom and kid are called in by a funny looking man with huge teeth, brown corduroy pants and a limp. Another down to earth employee.

Soon, those chairs were refilled with an elderly couple.

What's up with all the old people in the plastics department?

The young lady is called in as well as the elderly man that is not beside me. I start to get overwhelmingly hot. Why do they keep these places so ridiculously warm? I take off my coat and the gentleman beside me refers to the heat and removes his coat as well. I am suddenly aware of my postpartum baby belly hanging over the top of my jeans. Ugh. Now they all think I'm getting a tummy tuck. I attempt to nonchalantly hide my tummy in my jeans and pull my scarf in front of it. I should really do some exercises.

Waiting. Waiting.... waiting.

The young lady comes out, adjusting her shirt. She's so getting a boob job. The man beside me has been called in. I've checked facebook, twitter and blogger. I've read some Reader's Digest. I've creeped on the People magazine the old lady is reading. Shouldn't she be reading about knitting or something? Give that magazine to me.

It's so frigging hot in here.

The old man that was beside me comes back out and the corduroy pants man follows him. Mr. Corduroy is telling him that he'll 'get him fixed up.' And my eyes may be fooling me, but I'm pretty sure he just gestured to the old man's lower middle region. What??!!? Isn't he too old to be worrying about anything in that area?

Mr. Corduroy calls me in. While in the room, I read the posters and enjoy the artwork. I've never seen art like this in a doctor's office.

I've read everything on the walls that I can about sunspots and I start to browse Kijiji on my phone. That's when Mr. Corduroy walks in.

"I'm Dr. Jurgon Kontor," he says.

I think to myself, "You're the doctor?" His hair is shaggy and dark. There's no doctor coat. He's definitely not brown.

He looks at my iPhone and inquires, "Blackberry?"

Oh boy. I'm in trouble. This guy doesn't even know the difference between a Blackberry and an iPhone.

He asks about the growth and I show him. This time, exposing my shin doesn't make me flush. And I didn't even shave my leg for him. Although, I did lotion that shin up a bit after a quick inspection before I left that morning. He touches the spot and asks me if I google.

Do I google? What the heck? We're talking about a potentially cancerous spot on my leg and he's asking me if I google! Of course, I google... but huh? He glides his chair over to the table/desky thing and writes on his prescription pad. Is he trying to give me meds?

Nope. He writes down some derma-fibroid type word and tells me to google it. That's what this spot is. Nothing to worry about. Except that I lost the paper and now I don't know what the word is. But, he can remove it for me. It'll leave an inch long scar and it'll cost me $120. And he states that this is a steal of a deal. Sure it is. Maybe for someone whose family isn't experiencing Christmas and a car accident all at the same time.

As hideous as the growth is, I think I'll keep my money and the fibroid. Who knows? Maybe I can make it a pet. Since Saying Goodbye to Chelsea, I've wanted another pet to snuggle and this one will cozy up next to me 24/7.

And I think I'll call it Spot.

The Marriage Bed: Self Pleasure

2010-12-14T17:27:00.001-04:00

When I was in grade four, I remember hearing my schoolmates singing a most interesting song on the bus ride home one afternoon.

"Masturbation: It's my occupation. Masturbation. You can do it too!

First you do it up and down. Then you do it all around.

Masturbation: Physical education. Masturbation. You can do it too!"

I had zero idea what they were talking about.
Zilch.
Zip.
Nada.
I thought they were referring to some sort of activity that I would one day end up doing in gym class. Yet, when asked if I knew what masturbation was, I most certainly did not admit that I didn't. This led to comments regarding the "fact" that I must masturbate then if I knew what it was. Clueless, I didn't know whether I masturbated or not and had no idea how to respond to the question. I believe this was the instance where I did a lot of head shaking and gave off a lot of attitude like it was simply none of their business whether or not I masturbated. I believe I also resorted to calling my neighbour an "overgrown tootsie pop." Good one, eh?

I'm not sure when I actually became aware of what masturbation was, but I do know that with the knowledge, I also acquired a lot of negative thoughts and guilt about the topic. Growing up as a Christian, it was simple: Self pleasuring was something you didn't (and don't!) do. No explanation given - not that I was asking.

I believe I was in college and dating my Hubby when I heard of Dr. James Dobson's views on masturbation. I didn't read his views for myself, but I had caught the gist of it to be that he thought it was ok. I was shocked. Actually, my thoughts of Dr. Dobson decreased that day. 'How could he say such a thing? He's leading Christian people down a terrible path of sin!'
I judged him.
Ugh. A lot of my reflections have brought me to that conclusion. I've judged a lot of people. And I have a lot of regret for that. Here's to hoping that I've been changing that.
Anyway, back to Dr. Dobson. Here is a quote from him, "It is my opinion that masturbation is not much of an issue with God. It is a normal part of adolescence which involves no one else. It does not cause disease. It does not produce babies, and Jesus did not mention it in the Bible. I'm not telling you to masturbate, and I hope you won't feel the need for it. But if you do, it is my opinion that you should not struggle with guilt over it. Why do I tell you this? Because I deal with so many Christian young people who are torn apart with guilt over masturbation; they want to stop and just can't. I would like to help you avoid that agony."

I can't help but wonder how many marriages have been affected by people who have struggled with masturbation and the guilt that accompanies it. If all you've every known is the black blanket of guilt that falls upon you after you've reached orgasm on your own, can that blanket be avoided when orgasm is achieved by your spouse in your marriage bed? Perhaps this is just another reason why Christians struggle so much with their sexuality in the marriage bed. Now sex. is. bad and we have guilt from previous self pleasuring! There are fetters around our ankles and wrists (and no, I'm not getting kinky) way before we enter the marriage covenant.
As a girl, I grew up thinking that masturbation was a guy issue. Girls didn't struggle with it. Heck, they weren't even tempted with it. If the temptation is there, many girls are utterly confused and they feel like some massive failure because this is a possibility for them. It's so important to realize that masturbation is not a gender specific issue. It effects both males and females.
I've heard it said that self pleasure is a topic of self-control. But I'm still a little blurry in understanding what the greater display of self-control is. Is it seen in the one who does not participate in the act or is it seen in the one who does participate in order to prevent greater acts of sexual misconduct such as fornication and adultery. I read a story where a football player was getting frustrated with girls throwing themselves at him during his college years. He was choosing to keep his virginity for marriage, but these girls would offer him anything and everything regularly (Why do we do that anyway? Are we afraid a guy won't like us if we can't offer him sex??). Upon receiving advice from an older man, this guy proceeded to masturbate before a date to "take the edge off" so he'd be stronger if a girl should pursue him. I don't know if that would help or not, but, if it did, wouldn't it be better to masturbate than to sleep with some chick you really don't care about?
While researching this topic, I saw a lot of comments made by people of all kinds of religious affiliations stating that while masturbation isn't necessarily an ideal, it is better than fornication and adultery, so basically, do what you must.
But what I didn't see anywhere was a whole other side of masturbation that has me puzzled. Okay, sure, the physical act of self pleasuring is probably not that big of a deal. But, where does the drive to masturbate come from? At first it's likely just a newfound function of an adolescent body, but eventually, does it not need a source? What about self-control of the mind and the lust that causes one to want to masturbate? Can masturbation really be simply and only a physical act? The porn industry isn't doing so well because the people look pretty and the director did a great job with the film. People get something out of it... and I may be wrong, but I think that this "something" is often self pleasuring with these pornographic images in their mind. And I do believe that Jesus himself says that if your eye causes you to lust, you're better off to pluck it out. So, I know lust is not a good thing. Here's my thought: Masturbation can potentially be a physical act only, harmless to yourself and to others. However, if masturbation is creating a desire for something more and resulting in lustful thoughts and actions, it is more beneficial to yourself and to others to not partake of the act.
Going back to the football guy, while masturbation may have helped him to remain a virgin while he dated, is it not possible that he could develop a tolerance or sense of discontentment with his self pleasuring and then desire to actually hold a real, live woman? And what about after marriage? Will masturbation become an issue in your marriage bed? Your spouse can't feel what you feel and without your guidance, he or she can't help you achieve orgasm in the same physical ways that you can by yourself. What if you desire the physical orgasm more than the intimacy of sexual union in your marriage? Will you continue to masturbate rather than be intimate with your spouse? Will your spouse tell you to 'do it yourself' as she rolls over and rejects you yet again? Will he despise the way you make him feel by choosing to masturbate rather than seek him out?
Perhaps masturbation will help enhance your marriage bed. A little self exploration and self discovery could certainly help you explain to your spouse what it is that you like - if you tell them and if you don't get frustrated when it doesn't work out the first few times around.
It seems to me that I agree with Dr. Dobson after my cruel judgment of him. The physical act of masturbation itself is not something to feel guilty about, especially during those adolescent years. But I also think that there is a fine line that we need to be so careful not to cross. Lust is a powerful thing and it can consume our lives, causing discontentment in our marriage bed. If masturbation is leading to lust or if it is something that you desire before your desire your own spouse - when it is controlling you and not vice-versa - it might be time to take a step back and reevaluate.

Throwing Stones

2010-12-05T14:39:00.000-04:00

I stand here holding two stones, smooth and shiny. One in my left hand, one in my right. I roll them over my fingers, watching the sunlight bounce off their surfaces.
Emotions run through me and my hands grasp the stones tighter. Harder. My right arm begins to wind back but a man walks into my path. I see him writing in the dirt. As he finishes, he stands up, turns around and looks at me.
"Will you throw the stones?" he asks me.
Shaking the stones in his face, I scream at him.
"You don't know! YOU DON'T KNOW!"
Slowly, gently, compassionately, he walks toward me. Taking my stone clenched hands in his, tears painting his face, "I know," he replies.
I look past the man to those my stones are named for.

The stones drop to the ground as I fall on my knees, and begin to weep with those who weep.
I will not throw my stones.

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:2-11

Acting Like a Child

2010-12-02T22:09:00.002-04:00

I was putting my little Monkey to bed late one night last week since we were out helping at our church’s youth group and brought the kids along. So, he was pretty tired and he wasn’t settling like he usually does. It can be frustrating when you spend all of your efforts trying to help your child sleep because you know that he is tired but he chooses to persist in his fit of screaming and crying. All I want is for him to relax and fall asleep. That’s all he wants too – even if he’s unaware of it.

In this process, I stood beside him while he was in his crib, shushing him, stroking his hair and he soon started to calm. As he started to close his eyes, I couldn’t help but think of the love of God.

How many times do I scream and whine and whimper because I think I know what I want and he sits there shushing me, stroking my hair until I calm so that he can show me what it is that I truly need?

And then I begin to think of Stinker. So many times she’ll ask me for something and then have a complete melt down when I allow her to have it. For instance, this morning she asked for a piece of cake and I allowed her to have it. However, the cake broke into two pieces before it hit her plate. She fell to the ground screaming because I “cut” her cake and she didn’t want it cut. After spending several minutes ignoring her in hopes that she would just let up (she didn’t), I took her to her room to have a break where she could calm down. After some quiet time up there, I went up to bring her back down where she happily ate her cake. Nothing changed here but her attitude.

How many times do I ask God for something and he puts it right in fron of my face but I spend all my time complaining because I didn’t get it exactly the way I thought I should? And every time, after I’ve finished my freak out, that “thing” is still there waiting for me. He never takes it away - even after I’ve spit in his face. Unfortunately, it’s likely that I’ve given the credit to someone else. And yet, he still lets me have it.

And those thoughts end on Goose. I have given this child everything I have. From the stretch marks on my body to the food in my fridge, from the time of my day to the energy of me entire being, I have spent the last four years of my life giving this child everything that I have. And today, he looked at me and told me that he hated me. It hurt. We sat down and had a little heart to heart about it. He was receptive, apologized and returned the love I was showing him in that situation.

How many times do I reject God completely after he has given me everything that he has? When I think about all that I have given to Goose; about how much of who I am goes to him, I am amazed. But then I think about everything that God has given to me and it is so much more than anything I have ever given. God gave his son. To die. For me. That makes all my efforts feel pitiful. And still, I’ve rejected him over and over again for reasons that are selfish and impulsive. But, I am so thankful that when he sits me down for that heart to heart, I am not so calloused that I am unable to be receptive to his love. And I can repent and return the love that he has shown me.

Maybe someday, I’ll stop acting like a child and show God the gratefulness, thankfulness, respect and love that he deserves.
Until that happens, please be patient with me.

I Need A Personal Hygiene Day

2010-12-01T08:09:00.004-04:00

Mommyhood! It is incredible how busy the life of a mommy can be and how easy it is to put everyone before yourself... all the time. It's not that I always mind. I have no intentions of ranting about how I have no time for myself... yada yada.. boo hoo... all mommies are in the same boat. I chose it. I love it.

And I'm quite used to not getting a shower everyday and it has been up to four days between shower times before (don't judge me... ). However, I had a desperate wake up call last night. It began when I went to get ready for bed, grabbed my toothbrush, felt my crusty teeth and realized... I didn't remember to brush my own teeth that morning.

Ew.

Sigh - But the kicker was that it was the third day in a row that I had done this. Ugh.

So, I grab hold of the toothpaste and squeezed out an extra generous amount onto my toothbrush in hopes that it will make up for the lack of toothbrushing in the a.m. for the past three days. Watching my foaming mouth in the mirror I notice the grease effect in my hair. It seems that with my new shorter hair style, the grease goes from root to tip in thirty-six hours flat. Not a great thing for someone who generally washes her hair every forty-eight hours....

Raising my hand to run it through my greasy hair in an attempt to give it some life and volume (but instead making me look more like a grease monkey), I catch a whiff of something.

OMGoodness! Is that me? Do I really smell like that?

It's a combo of 'au naturel' body stench and infant puke. Awesome.

I finish brushing my teeth and go to change out of my pukey b.o. clothes. Once my top is changed, I smell again. Oh gosh, I think it's embedded into my skin. Maybe forever.

As if this isn't enough, I remove my jeans to discover that I have another pair of pants on. They're furry pants - great for the winter cold, not so great for keeping up with the season's fashion trends.

Then I get purposeful in my examination of my own existence.
I know Movember's been a primary aspect of life recently, but perhaps I shouldn't have taken part since it seems that it's supposed to be for men only. I just like to be included in things... what can I say?

I look at my finger nails: all different lengths, and wait, I think that's some of tonight's supper under that one. A quick taste and... no, that's last night's supper...

Removing my socks, oh wait... Houston, we have a problem. My sock seems to be stuck on something. Forcing the sock off, I feel the massive, nasty callous on my heel. Ok, barf. But then, I see something. I see - my FEET! I haven't looked at my feet in weeks! But, are those my feet? Gross! Those nails are way too long to belong one anyone's feet...

I have Monday's mascara smudged around my eyes and a nice new pimple forming on my forehead. Even my belly button seems to be protesting against me!

I crawl into bed... kinda depressed that I'm so disgusting. Hubby doesn't even notice. He rolls over to start kissing on me... seriously!? You've got to be kidding me.

Not tonight, Lover.

I turn my dry as a bone skin around to fall asleep. I really need a day... a whole day.... a personal hygiene day. Until then, you might not want to come over for a visit.

See you in 2032.

The Forgotten Plant

2010-11-30T09:56:00.000-04:00

While sweeping our living room this morning, I moved Hubby's chair to sweep behind it. That's when I saw it: The Forgotten Plant.
I've had it for a year now. I took really good care of it when I first got it; watering it, plucking off dead leaves, giving it a space to grow. After a few months, I noticed that it had great stamina. If I didn't water it for awhile, it had more dead on it, but I could just pluck it all off and give it an extra big drink. Within a few hours it looked healthy and alive again.
I guess I got used to putting it off and only taking care of it when it was convenient for me. It survived, so it didn't seem important to give it the attention I once did.
But this morning, when I saw The Forgotten Plant, I was shocked to see it's state. At first I couldn't see any signs of life. It was just a big pile of dead leaves - all brown, no green. I picked it up and looked closer. I could see three green stems coming up from the dirt. Instantly, my thought was that this thing will never die. It can take anything! And I started to pull at the dead to make room for new growth.
As I pulled, two of my three new stems ripped out of the soil. That's when I realized that the plant was more hurt than I was aware of. With soil so dry, of course the stems were coming out roots and all! After this much neglect, it needed a lot of tender, loving care.
So, I grabbed a glass of water and dampened the soil. I tenderly replanted the roots and carefully removed all the dead.
And now I wait. I wait for the roots to take. I wait for new life to appear. I wait to see growth and strength in the plant. I am unsure if I will ever see any of these things since months of neglect and lack of concern may not be easily undone. But I wait. And I hope.
And I have just one thought: I need to be so cautious and so careful that I do not treat those that I love in the same way I have treated The Forgotten Plant.

A Most Powerful Prayer

2010-11-28T15:24:00.001-04:00

When my heart is aching; when my world is breaking into a million little pieces, I know I need to pray. I open my mouth to speak the words, but there are none.
Yet my heart, strangled by emotion, calls out to God, expressing all the things my lips cannot speak. Constant, sure, I yearn for the peace that only he can bring to those my heart holds dear.
Tears fall.
His presence is all around.
And I know I have prayed a most powerful prayer.

The Marriage Bed: The Honeymoon

2010-11-26T07:57:00.000-04:00

Ah... the long awaited for week of untamed love making! The joys! The bliss! The desire! The passion! The disappointment!
Rewind.
The disappointment!
Yup, you heard me right: the disappointment.
Now, I cannot speak on behalf of every married couple and their honeymoon, and I flush at the admission in my own relationship, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and state that disappointment is often a trademark of honeymoon sex for many Christian couples who entered their marriage as virgins.
"Ah ha!" You might say. "You agree that waiting for marriage is a waste of time! I told you: you need to test drive the car before you purchase it!"
Alright, let's not get carried away here. Sure, I said there may often be a sense of disappointment, and while I may have regretted marrying my Hubby for a slight moment during that week (I'll explain later...), I am so glad that we chose to wait until marriage. It gave us the opportunity to grow as friends before getting tangled in the sex web. Because let's face it, as soon as sex begins, it overpowers every other facet of the relationship. And if we didn't develop a strong friendship before engaging in sex, we would have never survived the initial encounter.
Let me tell you a bit about our honeymoon:
We got married on the May long weekend and had a plan set in place. A nice room for the wedding night, and then a few nice rooms as we travelled to Ontario for the wedding of two great friends. After that wedding, we would journey down to California to find palm trees, rest and sex at a resort in Palm Desert - a week that we had paid for in advance with the assistance of another friend's timeshare. On the way, we would check out some major attractions that we had never experienced all the while experiencing each other. This was the plan.
I should say that, at twenty years of age, I was incredibly nervous about adding sex to my life. In retrospect, I now realize that the majority of this was due to my insecurities. Thoughts and questions that plagued me included, 'What if he doesn't like what he sees?', 'What if he thinks I suck?', ' What do I do with his... well, you know, that thing!?'. I had myself worked up into a frenzy about it. I dreamed of how it would be perfect. I wanted to be showered and shaved and into some lingerie that was sexy but didn't leave me feeling completely exposed right away. Again, I had a plan.
What I didn't know was that plans don't always work out. And in our case, not one plan worked out.
Our wedding night room was a room that Demi Moore had allegedly stayed in before. Upon entering the room, I could only hope that they took better care of the room for her than they did for us. Skewed curtains, a less than perfect bed, a room that looks like it belongs in your great grandma's house... hmm... not what I imagined.
Nonetheless, I began the process of showering... the longest shower of my life. I got out, dried off and looked at the lingerie hanging on the back of the door. Oh, geez... that's not going to stay on very long, is it? Slowly, surely, I place the garment onto my body and stand in front of the bathroom door. I touch the doorknob. I take my hand off of the doorknob. On the doorknob. Off the doorknob. On. Off. On... breathe. Geez, girl. Focus!
Hand on the doorknob, deep breath... Just do it! The door opens.
Hubby is gaga. I am incredibly insecure. I feel like an object on display. But, here goes. And so began our first night as husband and wife. The sex? Well, the sex.. whoa, boy! Let me tell you! It was... A-MAZ-....
Ok, it was non-existent.
But that's kinda the point. Nerves, expectations, insecurities, exhaustion - how on earth were we supposed to add sex to this?
In reality, as much as Hubby may hate my disclosure of this, we were actually married three days before we consummated our marriage. And it was.... awful. I cried, actually. Hubby felt like a failure. We fell asleep with our backs to each other and I was wondering how on earth it could be this bad. Now, I'm not talking about the act itself, but of our inability to be 'us' during the act. We'd been cutting off our arousals for our whole lives and now all of a sudden we were supposed to turn them on and embrace them? How the heck do we do that!?
I'd like to say that after that, our honeymoon got better. And it did for a few days. We were extremely forgiving of each other and attempted to proceed in our exploration of each other. We attended the wedding and were very excited to begin our journey to California. So, with me in the driver's seat, we passed on through the Sarnia border and started on through Michegan. Hubby fell asleep and I kept glancing over at his sweet sleeping face....
Two hours past the border, in Marshall, Michegan, our VW Jetta made a terrible grinding noise that woke Hubby up from his deep sleep. The noise continued and I pulled over to the side of the road. Long story short, it's a Saturday, tomorrow is Sunday, Monday is Memorial Day, we're in the states and our transmission just blew. Are you kidding me?
We camp in a two person tent for the weekend waiting for something - anything to open so that we can get our car fixed. Wanting to make the best of this, we find firewood and attempt to make camping enjoyable.
{Enter thunderstorms}
For two days. It rains. It thunders. It rains some more. Our tent is pitched in the worst possible place. When we open it in the morning, there is a gigantic puddle outside our 'door' and we cannot get out without entering the puddle.There are daddy long-legged spiders are all over the outside of the tent and hundreds of earwigs hiding in the tents crevasses. We move the tent to find dozens of worms that were wiggling around under us. We can't go anywhere because we are in the middle of nowhere and we don't have a car. So, we re-enter the tent to hide from the rain. How romantic.
We spend the entire weekend arguing about whether or not we should continue to California. I want to but Hubby wants to return to Canada and drive back to BC to get ready for school. And he's not budging on what he thinks we should do. This is where my one and only moment of regret for marrying my husband occurred during our honeymoon.
Tuesday comes and we travel in first gear to Kalamazoo where we activate two credit cards in order to pay for a new tranny that will be put in by Wednesday morning. On the way there, we pass several signs that say Climax. That was the closest we made it to Climax.
The mechanic is kind enough to drive us to a local hotel. As we drive, he tells us how he and his wife stayed there and how nice it is. It even has a pool. We get hopeful! Then we arrive.
The pool is closed and filthy. We enter our room and it hasn't even been cleaned. Gross. Ten minutes later, we're in a new room. It's clean. It has two beds. Hubby takes one and I take the other. We go to sleep.
On Wednesday morning our car is fixed and we head back to Canada. Hubby is driving and I am bitter. Our first stop was a relative's house in Mississauga. She blesses us by sending us to Niagara Falls for two nights. Hubby and I spend the time trying to reclaim our honeymoon, but at this point there are so many disappointments and feelings of failure that we enjoy the falls as we would prior to our marriage - as good friends rather than lovers.
The rest of our journey consisted of 8-12 hour days of driving from one friend/family members house to another since we had spent our entire savings and wedding money on our new transmission. All of them seemed under the impression that we would want to get jiggywiddit. We should have made shirts that said, "We're not doing it."
We arrived at our apartment in BC, unfulfilled and angry with each other. This was not the plan. But alas, this is what happened. Our immaturity and lack of communication and preparation regarding sex certainly didn't help us.
However, I will still hold to the belief that waiting for sex until marriage is the best way to enjoy it. As I mentioned earlier, the friendship that we had developed during the two and a half years we dated and were engaged prevented our flop of a honeymoon from being the death of our relationship. Suffering that much embarrassment, disappointment and frustration with sex that early on in the game would have killed any new, non-married relationship. And then we'd have been left with the baggage premarital sex can give; such as potential pregnancies or STI's, emotional, physical, mental and spiritual bonds with that person that will carry into future relationships, or an unleashed hunger for sexuality that causes a personal struggle with lust and/or promiscuity.
We had to work at our sex life. And we still are. But, that has made it more satisfying now than ever. So many couples who have been married for twenty, thirty, fifty years have told me that sex has never been as good as it is in their current stage of marriage. That's what growing and learning are all about: Getting in tune with each other and enjoying the exploration and growth of sex. And sometimes, that requires a little failure and disappointment.
To all of you who had amazing honeymoons, I don't want to hear about it....No, I'm kidding. Good for you! To those of you who didn't have amazing honeymoons, you're obviously not alone. And to those who have honeymoons yet to come, be prepared for anything!!
Sex is just another part of the journey... sometimes the tranny gives out, sometimes it thunders, sometimes the pool is filthy... but when you journey together, it's so worth it.

The Journey Inside

Bangkok Dangerous: Why Thailand?

Dealing With Criticism

Bangkok Dangerous: Video: Rahab Ministries

Twenty-Twelve

Bangkok Dangerous: A Dare I Need Your Help With

The Other Side of The Kettle

Single Parenting Sucks

Two Songs

Three Films

A Mindset of Poverty

Are You Googling Me? Third Time's a Charm

The Great Purge

Windex Wednesdays

Four Books

Five Foods

Six Places

Seven Wants

Eight Fears

Forgiven

Nine Loves

Ten Secrets

Are You Googling Me? Take Two.

A Second Interruption

Countdown

A Snake in the Grass: Our Early Afternoon Adventure

Interruption

The Birthday Cake

Perfection: Updated

Perfection

Have We Met Before?

Happy Birthday To Me!

Stop. Breathe. Blog.

Are You Googling Me?

A Better Way

Eavesdropping on Playtime

Trust Issues

The Marriage Bed: The Domination of Little People

Cleaning Up

Keeping Up

Stepping Up

the G.O.S.P.E.L

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: FINAL WEIGH IN! Plus, Before and After Pics!

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: The Race Is On

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #12

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #11

Sojourn

Reflections on the Ceiling

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #10

Looking for Approval

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh Ins #8 & #9

More Meaningful Than Tea and Chocolate

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #7

The Pants

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #6

A Grand Love

And The Winner Is.... *Drumroll Please*

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh-In #5

The Sexually Confident Wife - Book Review and Giveaway

Conducting the Calendar

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #4

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #3

Reminders

The Marriage Bed: Being Green Ain't Easy

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #2

The Powder in the Can

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge: Weigh In #1

Stinker's Potty Training: The Grande Finale, The Potty Party

New Year, New Rear: 90 Day Insanity Challenge; Introduction

Stinker's Potty Training: Her Christmas Gift to Me

New Year's Resolutions

Merry Christmas from the Singh Family!

The Marriage Bed: Self Pleasure (Revisited)

Plastic Surgery Here I Come! (Updated)

The Marriage Bed: Self Pleasure

Throwing Stones

Acting Like a Child

I Need A Personal Hygiene Day

The Forgotten Plant

And The Winner Is.... Drumroll Please